Q: My husband recently was incarcerated for a couple of months. He left enough money for the rent. There’s only one problem: He left it with his mother. I often argue with her because she is involved in all our financial stuff.
For example, I recently called to ask if the rent was paid. She told me she didn’t think I had a right to ask. Also, she purchased a vehicle for my husband and didn’t put the vehicle in either of our names. My husband just gives her money every month, not even knowing how much he owes. I think she wants to control his finances as part of her hold on him.
I want to put my foot down, but I don’t know what to do. My husband is very irresponsible, and he lets his mom do everything for him. Shouldn’t I be taking care of these things?
Danny: Yes, you should. Put your pata down now and be ready to serve up an ultimatum. Your husband’s irresponsible behavior has already bought him time in the slammer, and it’s about to set him free from his marriage vows.
He needs to take responsibility and stop depending on his metiche mom. She is a huge part of his ineptness, of course, but your life with your husband is your business and no one else’s. This is a great opportunity to instill trust, hope and care into your marriage and demand that he honor your role as an equal partner, in good times and in bad.
I know the gals will probably tell you it is typical for Latino males to depend on mama, that it’s part of the mi’jo syndrome. I say chicharrones! You can co-exist with the monster-in-law without her intrusion. Your husband has to make this happen. So drop the hammer on your jailbird lover and make him choose between esposa y madre; a free life with you, or a motherly prison para siempre.
Lily: This is not a Latino-only problem. What you have is a man who never grew up. Talk to him and tell him your family’s finances are just that – YOURS and HIS, not your mother-in-law’s. Maybe the two of you can attend a seminar where you can learn how to be financially responsible. The solution is not to get your suegra to hand over the duties to you; it is to get your husband to share this responsibility WITH you.
Remember, though, that this kind of behavior did not happen overnight, so it won’t get resolved overnight. Start small: Sit down and pay bills together. Balance the checkbook together. The keyword here is TOGETHER. Otherwise, you are just shuffling responsibility from one mujer to another.
Catherine: Bravo, Lily. You definitely don’t want to transfer all the responsibility from his mother to you. You want to be married to a competent man.
Although these major issues should have been addressed before marriage, I encourage you to work with him to make your union successful.
As women, we sometimes want to take over and get the job done. Part of helping your husband be the man you want him to be is to let him handle situations. Breaking away from such a constricting relationship with his mother is going to be difficult. You shouldn’t be giving her an ultimatum; he should. Your husband needs to buck up, be a man, and start taking care of his family. Buena suerte.
Glossary
pata: foot. (The proper word for foot is “pie”; “pata” also is often used, but it’s rather crude, because it refers to an animal foot.)
metiche: nosy, busybody
mi’jo (mi hijo): my son, commonly used as a term of endearment for one’s son or a young boy who is a close friend or relative. Here, it’s describing a momma’s boy.
chicharrones: literally, fried pigskin. Here, it means “baloney.”
esposa y madre: wife and mother
para siempre: forever
suegra: mother-in-law
mujer: woman
buena suerte: good luck
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