Q: Hey there Scott:
It’s LadyChatterly. What’s happening? I see you are still giving out great advice.
Here, I’m involved with the same three men and not able to get a commitment out of the one I want. I think it’s the long distance that’s keeping him from making future plans.
Well, I’m doing everything in my power to get to the east coast where I belong, but at my age I have to do it carefully, because I am too old to have any financial setbacks. My projection is that I will be on the east coast and in the Virgin Islands within 12 months or less.
I’ve been taking great strides to make it real. However, there is still the local pressure from my co-worker.
I quit my job two weeks ago and took another one at double the salary, which also creates a great segue to the east coast. This local guy/former co-worker on the surface seems very attractive, a good match and very much in tune with my values etc.
All my friends are pushing it and creating social opportunities to bring us together. They think that my going to DC, NY and the VIRGIN ISLANDS is pie in the sky and not doable. I feel it in my bones that it’s right.
I know in my heart that I will not be capable of loving the local guy. I’ll wake up in the middle of the night thinking about all the things I can’t do because I’m “stuck” with him.
I’m lonely, and even if the man of my dreams does reject me, I don’t feel I want to stay with the ex-coworker. The trouble is, that he’s so wonderful that I don’t want to hurt his feelings and I would like to be “freinds.”
I tried to go the sexual route with him, but it was not good for me, and he holds back, is shy and I am wild and into PDA, etc. Not happening, and when I tried to see if maybe it was a matter of education, I found no, it is part of his package, and I just can’t be reserved in that area, so it is a no go here locally.
I’m wondering if it is possible to just say the truth to a man and have him be OK with it. I hate for him to have illusions; I need to stop it now and go back to being a hermit until I’m geographically where I belong….don’t you
think?
I did tell the third guy the truth, but we have a very long history of honesty and friendship. I don’t think he gives a rat’s ass if I’m married or not, he would accept me anyway, and would accept others too.
So, I just feel bad about the co-worker, but not bad enough to allow myself to be trapped by him and all my other friends.
Also, I hate being a hermit, and I don’t like spending nights alone with the old monitor and PC. Maybe I just need advice on how to be single and free to have fun, but keep the wannabes away from me at the same time.
SCOTT: Wow, THE Lady Chatterly! You’re practically a legend in this column. OK, enough of the mushy stuff, let’s talk about the guys.
What’s going on here?
You’re such a bright lady “Lady,” so why would you be with someone you know you could never love and would never want to be with? For someone who says they’re too old for setbacks, you sure are spending a lot of time on a relationship of convenience.
Let’s make this simple: whatever you decide to do with respect to moving, no more local guy, OK? You’re a waste of time for each other, other than a friendship that is.
I’m a dreamer like you, so it would be wrong to discourage you from following that path in your life. But just make sure you really want to be on the east coast, even if the east coast guy rejects you.
Take a couple trips there first and be absolutely sure you want to be there, not just to escape your current environment.
And where’s the sense in being a hermit? That’s counterproductive to what you say you want.
Here’s the plan: 1) you’re going to breakup with the local guy (and of course try to remain friends), 2) you’re going to EXPAND your social circle at home and try to meet new people and 3) you’re going to take a few trips back east to determine if you’re chasing a dream or if that’s where you really belong. That should do it!
It’s always a pleasure to hear from you, Lady.
Take care, thanks for checking in and remember: optimism is good but realism is even better.