In these anxious times, when terrorists, pandemics, hurricanes, earthquakes and local TV news teases made us hold our collective breath, the broadcast networks know how to help us cope.
Disaster movies. Splashy, big-budget, November sweeps disaster movies are calculated to match our mood. A traumatized nation flocks to these overcooked parades of B-listers, apparently finding comfort in fictional emergencies.
File under “It could be worse.”
Last year viewers embraced the tacky CBS miniseries “Category 6: Day of Destruction.” That ratings success inspired CBS to revisit our nervousness with the even more clichéd “Category 7: The End of the World.” The sequel will air over two Sundays, beginning tonight and concluding Nov. 13, (8-10 p.m. on KCNC-Channel 4 both nights).
The apocalyptic title doesn’t leave much wiggle room for next year’s “Category 8: You Really Had Us Going” or the following November’s “Category 9: Seriously, Folks, Kiss It Goodbye.” But “7” should draw a crowd.
The alternately laughable and tedious disaster – and here we’re referring to the script – includes superficial shout-outs to FEMA, terrorism, the oil industry and even the Ten Plagues of Egypt. Echoes of Sept. 11 and Hurricane Katrina footage trigger memories and adrenaline, a cheap manipulation.
As a firefighter cradles a small child in the midst of destruction, and as bystanders run in panic, we cringe. The empathy we almost want to extend to the victims turns to disgust as we realize the context in which these pictures are used. Is it possible we’ll be less likely to register honest emotion in front of non-fiction TV in the future as a result?
Ludicrously cardboard characters do nothing to enliven the story. Gina Gershon is cast as the new head of FEMA, frantically driving around Washington in the midst of the crisis. Tom Skerritt plays an ace super-pilot; Robert Wagner is barely present in his role as a congressman. Randy Quaid (reprising the buffoonish role of Tommy Tornado, back from near-death in “Category 6”) and Shannen Doherty (as a sexy scientist), share an implausible romantic subplot.
Only Swoosie Kurtz and James Brolin excel as an evangelical Christian couple who use the public’s fears to further their fundraising. At least they’re having fun.
Havoc reigns, starting with the nutty opening scene at the Eiffel Tower. As Paris is decimated by high winds, a mime is tossed about, clearly a cue to those on the lookout for camp humor. (Shots all around every time the French mime tumbles!) Too bad the tone isn’t ironic throughout.
As a computer-generated Mount Rushmore crumbles and folks begin to wonder whether the unusual weather is “a sign from God,” the American press corps is depicted as a flock of Chicken Littles. Wouldn’t you know it – the press can’t catch a break even when the sky really is falling.
Incidental jabs at bureaucrats, vague pro-environmental messages and a subplot involving masked gunmen feel random.
If this were a routine on Comedy Central it would make more sense. As two superstorms are about to converge over Washington, D.C., apparently there’s something wrong in the mesosphere. If Jon Stewart were on the job, he’d jump on the mesosphere reference to retitle the miniseries “Mess o’ Fear.”
Nobody ever went broke scaring the bejeebers out of the audience, particularly during November. The vicarious near-death experience, the virtual rush, is irresistible to a large number of Nielsen households.
Sharing the fear-mongering subtext, on Nov. 20 NBC offers “The Poseidon Adventure,” reimagining the luxury ocean liner beset not by a tsunami, as in the 1972 original, but by terrorists with bombs. (This TV version beats the big-screen Warner Bros. summer film to the remake.)
The S.S. Poseidon special effects on NBC aren’t nearly as cheesy as the “Category 7” visuals on CBS.
Just when the crack security team has completed a thorough inspection of the ship, giving it clearance to sail, a suspicious group of waiters manages to load a bunch of aluminum kegs onboard, specially fitted with infrared signals. How safe do you feel now, Mr. and Mrs. America?
This three-hour “Poseidon” struggles to stay afloat, laboring without Shelley Winters, and with too much reliance on one Homeland Security agent (Adam Baldwin, taking the Ernest Borgnine role as detective Mike Rogo). The passengers similarly struggle to escape the capsized ship, (a Bible-clutching Rutger Hauer stands in for Gene Hackman as the Reverend), but the terrorist cell in the kitchen gives it a contemporary spin.
Mercifully, NBC bumped its four-hour earthquake sequel, “10.5: Apocalypse,” out of the November sweeps, choosing to hold that special-effects laden, End Times-predicting miniseries until next year.
Assuming the world as we know it still exists, disaster movies aren’t going away.
TV critic Joanne Ostrow can be reached at 303-820-1830 or jostrow@denverpost.com.
