Dear Amy: A few months ago I moved in with my boyfriend of 5 1/2 months, and we have been arguing ever since. Our arguments are over silly things, and what really bothers me is his yelling and anger. He has a quick temper and cannot have an adult conversation when we are discussing issues.
He gets very upset and will say things that are very insulting and belittling. I have tried to take the higher ground by not saying anything back to him and even ignoring him, but he likes to push my buttons. I see myself starting to say things back to him – we even resort to name-
calling. In general, I feel that he does not respect me.
The problem is compounded by his binge drinking. He rarely drinks, but when he does it is to an extreme and usually after an argument. He blames his drinking on me. I go to Al-Anon meetings and do not drink myself, but I still have difficulty dealing with his drinking.
When times are good, they are great. However, when times are bad, they are really horrendous. Should I end it?
– Worried
Dear Worried: It doesn’t matter what relationship you’re in – the good times are always good. That’s pretty much the definition of good times. But most relationships are defined not by the good times, but by the bad ones. If your bad times are “really horrendous,” then you two shouldn’t be making a life together.
If this brief relationship has sent you to a support group, you should rethink your situation. And can I just mention that you really barely knew this person when you moved in with him? Well – lesson learned. Get out.
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Dear Amy: What is the proper etiquette for setting your wedding date? I have a cousin who is very close to me, and she decided to choose for her wedding date the same day as my wedding anniversary.
Am I wrong in feeling that she has breached some form of wedding date etiquette?
– Ghost Bride
Dear Ghost: Yes, you are wrong. I hate to break it to you, but your wedding anniversary isn’t that big a deal to others – nor should it be (unless it is a milestone anniversary, such as 25 or 50 years, which I don’t think this is).
Once you get married, the whole idea is to enjoy your day in the limelight and then graciously step aside and enjoy your marriage.
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Dear Amy: I am responding to a recent letter from “Trying to Do the Right Thing,” who wondered if she should distribute pink “breast cancer” ribbons at her friend’s baby shower – as a memorial to the friend’s mother, who had died of the disease many years before. You think a woman should be reminded of her mother’s cancerous breast at her baby shower? What a wrong answer! A woman is not her disease! And certainly, the daughter does not wish to be reminded that she is genetically predisposed to breast cancer, as her baby will be if it is a girl.
On Mother’s Day, the custom is to wear white flowers if your mother is deceased, as a tribute. How about white ribbons as a remembrance of the mother – not pink! We men will never understand why women work so hard to identify themselves as breast cancer victims. My friend has breast cancer, and she says that no one will ever think of her as a human being again – only as a disease. That’s the damage done by pink ribbons.
– Thom Petraitis
Dear Thom: As I stated in my answer, the host should run this idea past the guest of honor. I thought it sounded fine, but only if she wanted it.
I have to mention that the whole pink ribbon movement, which was started and is being perpetuated by women, came about not because these women wanted to be identified as a disease, but because nobody else was paying attention.
Well, we are now.
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