Dear Amy: There’s a guy that I’ve been sexually seeing for a little more than a year. I really do love him and want us to become a couple. I’ve brought up this subject twice, but he says he’s afraid of commitment because of the number of times he has been hurt. I tell him I love him, and sometimes he says it back.
When we are together, he treats me as though I’m the love of his life. When we are not together, he calls sometimes and we speak briefly. Please tell me if there is anything I can do to convince this man to be mine.
– Wanting to Be Loved
Dear Wanting: You’ve probably heard of “friends with benefits,” in which friends have sex occasionally but don’t become emotionally involved. You’ve got a “benefits without friends” relationship, and it’s pretty sad.
I’m not going to sugarcoat it. There is nothing you can do to persuade this man to be yours, because, frankly, it sounds as if you have already exhausted the very few tools at your disposal.
People are what they do. If this guy wanted to have a relationship with you, he would. He wants to have sex with you, so he does.
You tell him you love him and he yanks out the old, “I’ve been hurt too much in the past to commit to you.” That line is a slightly more polite version of “I’m just not that into you.” At some point, this arrangement is going to depress you as much as it depresses me, and you will take the very difficult journey out the door.
Read “He’s Just Not That Into You: Your Daily Wake-up Call,” by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo (Simon Spotlight Entertainment, $10).
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Dear Amy: For the past 15 years, I have been the one to acknowledge birthdays and special occasions for my husband’s family. I send and sign all of the birthday cards and gifts, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day cards, holiday cards and gifts. I also e-mail notes and photos of our kids and their latest activities. My husband travels a lot for work, he doesn’t make a big deal about birthdays, and he’s not much of a shopper.
I usually enjoy making people feel good on their special days. So imagine how hurt I am when my birthday or another important event is ignored by my in-laws. This year, my birthday was not acknowledged, and neither was a community volunteer award I won.
Kindness is a two-way street, and we especially need to care for our family members – we are together for the long haul. I’m really trying to be a good daughter-in-law.
– Connecticut Mom
Dear Mom: Not only are you trying to be a good daughter-in-law, it sounds as if you are succeeding. Now it’s time for your husband to step up and be a good son and husband.
He should contact his parents – preferably before the holidays – to say, “You know, Cynthia does so much for all of us. She never forgets your birthdays or the holidays, and she works so hard to keep you posted about the kids. Honestly, Mom and Dad, if it weren’t for her, this entire family would grind to a halt.” He should ask his parents to make a special effort to acknowledge you over the holidays, and a week or so before your birthday he should shoot them a reminder that it would be thoughtful for them to send you a card.
It’s important for them to recognize you for the exact same reasons that you work so hard to keep in touch – because, as you so nicely say, families are together for the long haul.
E-mail askamy@tribune.com or write Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
