Q: Dear Scott,
I’m heartsick right now because I’ve gotten my heart broken yet again. I fall for men who seem to fall for me at the same pace, and they even acknowledge all I have to offer, but they always become incapable of continuing the relationship into something more serious or long-term.
They are always very attracted to me, impressed with my accomplishments, rave about my personality to others, and seem at their happiest when they are with me (I can see that I lift their spirits). But they mysteriously “can’t” go forward after a certain point, and that point is after we’re far enough emotionally that both of us should be attached.
Still, they never give a really good reason for why they can’t proceed.
One man suddenly, in the midst of seeming very happy with me, went back to a girl who dumped him for her ex just because she started calling him again.
Another said we were too different, and the fact that I was cold in the house when he wasn’t was really the only example he came up with.
They don’t really seem to have any real reasons that have to do with me specifically. When they say, “It’s not you; it’s me,” could they be telling the truth? Or am I missing something here?
It’s happened about a dozen times, basically every time I’ve fallen for someone. They are having the time of their life with me and sharing bonding moments of emotional intimacy. But somehow, none of this ever results in enough bonding for them to want to get serious long-term.
None of these men are married or in any way restricted, by the way. And I think you’re going to ask what they have on common, and whatever that is to screen for that. But that isn’t so easy to pinpoint.
They’ve been all different ages from all kinds of backgrounds. Some have had a lot in common with me, and in the other cases, the differences made our relationship interesting: we complemented each other, etc.
There doesn’t seem to be a type, except they were all very dynamic men. Much more dynamic than the
average person.
Every one of these relationships I’ve had has had an otherworldly quality to it, even while we maintain the practical aspects of
our lives like everybody else. Maybe that is the common thread and what I seek, and that doesn’t last.
Please advise because I am beginning to think that I am never going to get it, that I may be cursed: that if I fall for him, he will flake out. Why can’t I ditch this pattern?
– Angie, the cursed
SCOTT: Oh Angie, you’re not cursed, but I have to tell you, when they say “it’s not you it’s me,” they really mean it’s you.
The best indication of this is the pattern you refer to in your experience with men. See, after a dozen or so relationships with the same outcome, one of the following would have to be true: a) all these guys got together and decided they were going to mess with your mind and then dump you, or b) it’s you.
I’m going with B.
So how do you change things and break the pattern?
Well, you can’t change them, but you can change you. Try changing how you conduct yourself in the relationship for instance, by holding back a bit more. Try going at a slower pace and getting to know them better.
In other words, don’t jump right into the “love” stage right away. It takes a long time to get to know a person and it’s hard to hold back when you think you may have met “the one,” but do it anyway. If he really is the one, you’ll have plenty of time for love later.
Love is tricky, and not all men are the same. When you spot a pattern in relationships with different people, it usually has something to do with you, not them.
But don’t be discouraged! In the future, try the suggestions above.
You’ll stop getting your heart broken all the time and finally the “curse” will diminish.