Joan Rivers is many things – the mother of red-carpet coverage, QVC’s queen of costume jewelry, a nipped-and-tucked woman who guest-stars as herself on FX’s “Nip/Tuck ” – but long-winded she is not.
Ask her about virtually anything and she’ll fire back a zinger that’s short and brutally honest enough to make you forget she’s a 72-year-old grandmother who could be resting on her laurels.
Rest? It’s not for Rivers. Like a fine whine, she gets busier, bolder and more fearless with age. She chatted recently from New York about stars and Star, small engagement rings and strange baby names.
Question: Your red-carpet rival, Star Jones, reportedly has parted ways with the E! channel. Any reaction?
Answer: She was never my rival. Everyone tried to make it into something it wasn’t. I left E! to go to TV Guide. That’s a big difference. So she came in and they hired her to try to continue it. It wasn’t like she fought to get the job. If she left “The View,” I would be there so fast. So who cares?
Q: Martha Stewart is trying a nicer persona these days. Do you plan to follow her lead?
A: I think the public is so damn smart. They know exactly who you are and who you’re not. You can’t fool them. You can’t say now I’m going to be nicer, now I’m going to be meaner. The truth always comes out, sooner or later.
Q: You criticized Kevin Costner for giving a small engagement ring to the woman who’s now his wife. As a result, do you think the wedding ring was bigger?
A: You know she got a bigger one. They showed it! He went out and got her a much bigger ring. And he should!
Q: Is Nicole Richie too thin?
A: I truly don’t watch any of that group of girls. I find that whole group to be such low-rent, it really doesn’t interest me at all. What have they done?
Q: What about a star who’s a favorite of yours on the red carpet, Halle Berry? Does she ever do anything wrong?
A: No. Never. Next!
Q: Is any celebrity too afraid to talk to you?
A: Of course not. The smart ones know it’s all show-biz. We get Nicole Kidman. We get Tom Hanks. We get Julia Roberts. So somebody fourth down on a sitcom isn’t going to talk to me? I don’t even know who they are.
Q: So many good-looking guys walk down the red carpet. Ever thought which one you’d want to be trapped with on a desert island?
A: I like men my age, so that’s very hard. The only ones that are left are God and Moses. I don’t even carry breath mints anymore.
Q: Gwyneth Paltrow named her daughter Apple. Nicolas Cage named his son Kal-el, for Superman. If you were naming Melissa now, would you go with a new name?
A: I would go with Hot in Bed. I bet she’d get a lot of dates. And her middle name should be Very Rich.
Q: What’s the one thing a woman should never wear on the red carpet?
A: Seriously? Never wear anything that hasn’t been fitted to you. Fit is two-thirds of everything.
