Q: I am a 26-year-old Latina who has been in an on-again/off-again relationship with my ex-novio for four years. I still love him, but I can’t explain why. This is our third breakup, but this time it was my choice.
I made the mistake of thinking I could change him. He’s been unfaithful in the past, and he can be emotionally and physically abusive. I tend to feel sorry for him because he comes from an abusive home.
I’ve suggested counseling, but he said no. I dreamed of having a family with him. He said that I knew how he was when I met him, and he doesn’t expect to change.
Why do I feel as if I’ve turned my back on him? He seems to be doing OK. But I’m now second-guessing my decision.
Danny: At least your ex-boyfriend did tell you the truth once – by admitting who he is and his inability to change. It’s time to clamp off the relationship para siempre!
You may grieve the end of a relationship, but demand nothing but the best for yourself in the future. Unless your dream of marriage includes getting yelled at, beaten and cheated on, you should be glad that you woke up and moved on. Now you need to rebuild. Please don’t second-guess yourself. You have the power to initiate change around you, but only an individual can change herself.
Catherine: For me, the toughest reader questions come from people in bad relationships. I don’t advocate breaking up couples once a marriage exists, but I often wonder why some people chose to marry the losers they are with. I also wish they had asked for my advice before taking their vows and pledging their lives to each other.
So thank you for writing in on time. Please keep this loser in your “ex” files and turn this relationship off permanently. In fact, don’t ever go anywhere near him again. There are plenty of wonderful men out there who value faithfulness, honesty and communication.
Congratulations! You have done yourself a lifelong favor by ending this relationship.
Lily: Move on. You were right to break it off. He needs professional help for his abusive behavior – and you need to be far away from someone who has hurt you. You also may benefit from therapy to discover more about yourself.
You didn’t turn your back on him; you turned away from harm and toward a new life. Don’t expect to change this man into el hombre of your dreams. In the immortal words of my favorite country singer: “You gotta know when to hold ’em … know when to fold ’em …”
GLOSSARY
– novio: boyfriend
– para siempre: for always
– el hombre: the man
We want your questions! Consejos is a bilingual advice column focused on relationships, culture and identity. E-mail your questions or comments to consejos@dallasnews.com.
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