Dear Amy: I have always considered myself open to diversity and people in general. I have a good, strong relationship with my daughter. But she has thrown me a curveball.
Two years ago she married a man whom I adore for accepting her and loving her the way she is, and for adopting her two children who were fatherless. The children are both doing much better with him in their lives, and so is she.
In May, however, she and her husband announced to me they were both gay. They were planning to remain in the marriage, and each of them would be free to have a significant other on the side. Her husband already had someone. Not only did they want me to accept this, but to celebrate it.
I told them I could do the first, but not the second. Now the holidays are arriving. My daughter asked if she could include her new girlfriend at Thanksgiving, because, she said, she’s proud of me and wants her girlfriend to know me. She knows that in the past I have always been open to including others at the table.
I told her I like “Amanda” just fine, but that I didn’t feel right including this big, happy extended “family” at the table as if everything were OK, partly because I think the whole thing has not played out and that it is endangering her marriage.
I told her that maybe in the future I can manage it better, but just now I’m not up to it. I know this is not the end of the discussion. Any words of wisdom for me?
– Stymied in Portland, Ore.
Dear Stymied: Your openness and attitude about diversity are beautiful. Now your daughter is whacking you over the head with it. Don’t let her.
Stop bending over backward to understand and accommodate this. This sort of open marriage and chaotic personal situation cannot be good for your grandchildren, and I imagine that you must be worried about them. This isn’t a gay thing. This is a question of your daughter stepping way over the line.
Let’s pretend your daughter and her husband are both straight and she wants to bring both her husband and her male lover to Thanksgiving dinner. Would you even consider including this threesome at your table? I don’t think you would. The only difference here is that your daughter is attempting to “play” you. Don’t fall for it.
At some point you have to say, “Honey, I love you like nobody’s business, but you need to give me a break already. Leave Thanksgiving alone.” Let’s agree that this sort of arrangement isn’t quite what the Indians and the Pilgrims had in mind when they sat down together for their first feast.
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Dear Amy: Both my husband and I are from large families. We have lots of aging aunts and uncles, and our brother/sisters-in-law have aging parents. Our parents’ friends are aging, as well as our friends’ parents.
We may or may not be close to some of these people, but based on the relationship we believe we are obligated to attend the funerals.
What is the proper protocol for attending funerals? Wakes are not usually a problem to attend as they last into the evening and we can make it after work, but what about the funerals that happen during a weekday requiring us to take time off of work? We are facing the potential of many funerals and spending considerable time away from work unless you can help us determine where to draw the line on whose funeral we attend versus just attending the wake.
– Wondering
Dear Wondering: I’ve done some research and am not aware of any protocol for when you must attend a funeral. The only considerations are your relationship to the family and your ability to attend services.
I hope you will be able to focus on celebrating these lives rather than worrying too much about your “obligations.” If you can’t attend a funeral during the week or go to visiting hours at the funeral home, you can stop by the funeral home when the body is present to pay your private respects. Sign the guest book so the family knows that you have come by, and also send a thoughtful note.
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Dear Amy: You asked women to tell you what it takes to make men happy? Thank him when he does all those chores you throw his way, tell him how loved and secure he makes you feel, and believe him when he says you’re beautiful.
– Jeanne Dansby
Dear Jeanne: I’ve received many responses from women and will run more later on.
E-mail askamy@tribune.com or write Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
