Most creatures with a spine have an average of 230 bones, varying little among the vertebrate species – partly because of differences in the number of teeth or the presence or absence of a tail. Over the eons, some of man’s bones have fused, leaving him with only 206. Many of mine hurt.
When a person has a stiff neck, only seven small bones are involved. A giraffe also has seven, but his bones are 12 inches high, giving him the possibility of a 7- foot-long pain.
Bones in the average human skeleton contain about 2 1/2 pounds of silvery-white calcium plus nerves, blood vessels, and marrow, a jelly- like substance which makes blood cells.
I can count on the phalanges of one hand the scientific terms for bones learned in high school biology. However, major mishaps do improve long-term memory. Breaking a bone in my lower spine taught me a word now impossible to forget: “sacrum,” a bone just above the coccyx (tailbone). Other kinds of pain cause sufferers to learn the differences between osteoarthritis, rheumatoid arthritis, and even ankylosing spondylitis.
Medications for these ailments further enrich the vocabulary: Actonel, at more than $23 a tablet, Avapro and Celebrex, among others. Some over-the-counter remedies strain the brain: glucosamine and chondroitin sulfate, acetominophen, naproxen sodium.
Those whose joints (and wallets) are hurting are advised to lose weight, take calcium, exercise, drink lots of water, and alternate hot and cold compresses. Also helpful are canes and walkers – everything from a bare-bones curved stick to a deluxe walker with a seat, big wheels, brakes, and a basket to hold lunch, a change of clothing, a small dog, or a few dozen kumquats. (Walkers still lack turn signals or horns.)
Fossils of dinosaurs show that they perished some 655 million years ago. According to bones found in Ethiopia in 2003, earliest man showed up about 600 million years later. Some scientists think that he suffered joint pain much like his descendants today, some of whom suffer with arthritis aches before age 40. By 60, almost everybody’s bones give them trouble chopping wood, doing back bends, getting out of a low chair, or into the backseat of a sports car.
The earliest medical knowledge about bones came from the study of cadavers. Not until 1895, when a German physicist discovered X-rays, was it possible to view man’s bones while he was still using them. Diagnosing and setting them became easier. No wonder Wilhelm Roentgen received the first Nobel Prize for physics. Replacement of troublesome joints began with the knee in 1971, followed by the hip and ankle, using various kinds of ceramic and lightweight metal. Currently, Frank Schowengerdt and John Moore, two NASA doctors, are working on the creation of porous artificial bones, which are expected to be long-lasting, strong, but not heavy, and to work almost as well as real bones.
The word has crept into vernacular usage. Students “bone up” for exams; argumentative folks make “no bones about it” when they have “a bone to pick”; people become “bone-tired” from “bone-crushing” responsibilities. Near Halloween, “bone-chilling” sounds abound in make-believe “boneyards.” (And no, “bon appetit” and Napoleon “Bone-apart” don’t qualify as colloquialisms.) However, the spiritual “Dem Bones” explains anatomical relationships. “The head bone’s connected to the neck bone; the neck bone’s connected to the shoulder bone,” continuing through many more down to the toe bones.
A boneology summary should include four common but very special bones: the headbone, which contains knowledge that must be amended and added to frequently; the backbone, which makes people stand for what is right (most politicians seem to need booster shots or implants); the funny bone, ensuring a sense of humor and the ability to promote laughter despite non-humorous sitcoms, foul- mouthed comedians, and the newspapers’ misnamed funny papers; and, finally, a wishbone, to create dreams of a better world filled with non-violent, compassionate citizens who care greatly about their environment and each other.
Louise Turnbull is a Denver native and retired teacher who has written commercial film scripts and an animated television special.
