Dear Amy: I am a 17-year-old boy and couldn’t ask for a better family. I recently discovered through e-mails, websites and phone calls that my father is having an affair.
He is not a bad person. That he would betray my mother is incomprehensible. I am angry and reluctant to tell my mother because of the pain it would bring.
Is this an invasion of my father’s privacy? Is it my place to bring this up? I think I have a duty to say something, but I do not want to disturb the peace.
– Blissful Ignorance
Dear Ignorance: You don’t make ignorance sound blissful. This sounds like a heavy burden – one your father should never have saddled you with.
You should start by reframing this issue. You sound like an investigator from a “CSI” show. This situation is not a “case.” Your father isn’t the perpetrator, and you’re not an investigator or prosecutor. He’s the dad and you’re the son, and what he is doing is causing you pain.
You don’t say what you did to uncover this activity, but now you should halt your investigation and speak to your father.You need to give him a chance to explain, apologize and make a decision on what comes next.
If he is a good guy, he’ll use this sorry episode as a reason to change – I hope with you and your mother by his side.
…
Dear Amy: My husband and I live in a major city and own a home in an “up-and-coming” neighborhood, one that had a crime problem a few years ago but has improved considerably.
We love our home, and while we know we have to be careful (we have a security system, bars on certain windows – normal city-dweller stuff), we’ve never been victimized.
Our home is a brief drive away from good restaurants and cultural institutions, and we have much shorter commutes than most people in metropolitan areas.
Certain of our friends and colleagues make rude comments about our neighborhood, things such as, “You’d better get a dog!” or, “I can’t visit you; I’m afraid to get out of my car in your area” – even when we tell them we’ve lived here without incident for almost four years.
How can we handle these remarks without seeming defensive or stooping to the level of the people who make them?
– Happy in the City
Dear Happy: One way to handle ignorant and thoughtless comments is to take the perpetrators to school, so to speak.
This isn’t being defensive; it’s being helpful. When somebody disses your lifestyle or neighborhood, you can say, “Wow, I can tell you’ve never spent time in our neighborhood. We absolutely love it, and our property values are shooting up!” Then spread your happiness by entertaining people in your home.
If people won’t come because they’re scared, you get to quietly judge them for letting their ignorance impede a good time.
…
Dear Amy: I am 14. A few days ago my friend, who is also 14, asked me to go to the mall with her and a group of girls we are both close with. There would be no adult supervision.
I asked my mom and dad if I could go. They said no, and I was devastated. They said they trusted me but don’t trust other people. I say, “Yeah, right.” I wish I could go.
How can I persuade my parents to let me go to the mall without them?
– Mature at the Mall
Dear Mature: If you were my daughter, I would want for you to have plenty of practice handling yourself before I dropped you off for an unsupervised group activity.
You can see if your folks will agree to a movie drop-off outing with your friends. If that goes well, ask if they will take you and your friends to the mall and let you hang out while they shop or do errands.
Your parents might feel more comfortable if you host these events with them involved, even at a distance. This way they will see you can be responsible and they won’t have to worry about trusting strangers.
E-mail askamy@tribune.com or write Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
