Q: Funny that you put the notation today that you take on ALL issues because one hit me this weekend and I thought, naw, he wouldn’t be interested in this. Therefore, here goes.
My granddaughter just turned 13. She is pretty, although not beautiful, tall and well-proportioned (not too thin, not too heavy), bright, pleasant to be around, has braces and some acne issues but not a lot.
But my son told me on the phone last week that she doesn’t have a lot of friends — she invited 48 kids to her birthday party and four came. When she came to visit for the Thanksgiving holiday, I discovered several reasons why I think this is so.
She has a bad habit of slumping so her body doesn’t present itself well; she lacks vivaciousness in her face, speech, and body language; she’s not self-confident; and she doesn’t have a “hook” (something that makes her stand out – i.e. excellence in a sport, brilliant personality, exceptional beauty, or musical ability, etc.).
On Saturday, when I suggested to her mother that she should make her stand up straight and hold in her stomach, she took offense. Although I have a wonderful relationship with both of them, now I don’t feel comfortable discussing things that I think my granddaughter could alter to her benefit with either of them.
She’s like all kids, she desparately wants to be popular and I think she’s got the goods, but if she doesn’t know how to help herself, I believe her chances are slim. Do you have any ideas?
Thanks,
– A Fan of Yours
SCOTT: Wow, you must be a fan if you wrote during the deadest time of year for the column. Don’t worry about me though, I’ll just find an online advice columnist to write to about it.
Back to you.
While reading your e-mail, I couldn’t help but wonder what could be wrong with your granddaughter.
Maybe she’s depressed. Maybe she could use a brace to keep her posture erect.
But then it hit me: she’s only 13, and adolescence is an extremely awkward stage to go through!
My parents were always on me about my posture (which still hasn’t much improved, by the way) and we can all relate to instances when we experienced a lack of social grace.
So now let’s take another look at your seemingly introverted granddaughter.
From this angle, she’s simply going through what she needs to go through to survive her adolescence. That’s a brutal time to go through, that adolescence, even more so now than it was for my generation or yours.
Now let’s take another look at you.
You’re a loving grandmother who cares deeply about the outcome of her granddaughter. Beautiful!
Now, give her time to grow. You can stimulate her self-confidence through encouragement and compliments but she needs to feel that she’s OK and that there’s nothing wrong with her.
That’s what’s going to help her the most.
Not everything has to be overanalyzed. There’s no doubt that with your love and guidance, she’ll develop her “hook!”
* * *
Dear Readers:
It’s that time again. I need more questions!
I write the column 5x per week and that’s a lot. But I can’t do it without you.
I answer every e-mail, and welcome questions seeking love or general advice. Just use a fake name if you want. Either way, your real name or e-mail address will never be published.
Want to know when it’s time for a career change how to deal with your parents or kids when they’re acting up? How about what to wear to the holiday get-togethers? I’m your guy, and I may not always tell you what you want to hear, but I’ll always give you the great advice you need.
Click the link below. You won’t be disappointed.
Thanks!
– Scott