Q: Scott,
I’ve been debating for some time whether I should write you or not, so here goes.
The problem I have is with my dad. He isn’t the easiest person to get along with. He never has been, and as much as I hate to admit it I have a lot of his qualities, especially when it comes to being stubborn.
My dad has always had a strong controlling hold on me, as I am his baby girl. He has never been accepting of people in general.
I recently moved to Texas and my parents live in Missouri and coincidently ran into a lot of people I knew growing up (this was my 25th move in 26 years). It was a strange and exciting experience because I always wanted friends who knew me when I was younger in my life.
When I talk to my dad he remembers a lot of these people from when they were teens or even younger and refers to them as “psychos” or “morons.” But it doesn’t stop there.
Whenever I mention the name of someone new, his first question is, “are they a psycho?” I’ve asked him several times to stop, but this has been going on for months now.
I also told him several times (in the nicest tone possible) that I don’t appreciate the comments and asked if he could stop. I just find it rude and insulting.
The very last time this happened, I stopped the conversation and said, “I’m sorry, I can’t have a conversation with you at this time. I will talk to you later,” and I let him hang up first.
Later on that night he e-mailed me stating that he no longer wanted to see me at Christmas and canceled my plane tickets. He also told my mother if she didn’t like it she could move to Texas to live with me.
He has since been in more of an accommodating mood with my mom, becauseI think he feels guilty for saying that.
I don’t know what else to do!
It’s my dad, for heaven’s sake and I love him, but this is ridiculous. He refuses to take me seriously as an adult to begin with, and this was the icing on the cake.
He always prided himself on getting the family to do something he wanted by causing “a significant emotional event.” I didn’t blow up at him this time, I didn’t yell at him, I was calm regarding the whole situation and I feel like he’s overreacting because he’s losing his hold on his little girl.
Now, we haven’t spoken in weeks and it’s killing me. I know he is also upset at me for getting myself into a financial situation, but the reality is, I’m an adult and I’m taking responsibility for that.
I haven’t asked for his help on any level because I’m handling it myself. I don’t need him to be in control of it or put me down because of it.
I’ve learned a lot from my financial situation and I’m doing a darn good job on getting it resolved on my own. I get the feeling he is more upset that I haven’t asked for his help than he is about the actual situation.
I don’t want to go months or years with out talking, but he needs to accept the fact that I’m 26 and I don’t ask how high when he says jump anymore. Your advice would be greatly appreciated!
Thanks so much!
– Your Reader in Texas
SCOTT: I hope you don’t stop reading me for saying this, but you need to involve your dad even less in your life.
He doesn’t get it, and he isn’t changing, and the more you try, the more he’ll use his manipulation skills to try to make you feel guilty and horrible to get his way. If he doesn’t get his way, well lookout, here comes another “significant emotional event”!
As if life isn’t challenging enough.
And why would you ask for his help with the financial problem, so he could reduce you to the lowest common denominator? You don’t need that.
But he is your father, he loves you and you should try to deal with him some level.
You just need to figure out where to draw the line. Start with eliminating the confrontation altogether.
Some people can’t be negotiated with (like your Pop) so it’s pointless to try and all it’ll do is lead you nowhere but more frustrated than if you had never had the conversation. When he asks how things are going, say fine and don’t discuss your friends or who you’re dating, etc. with him either.
It’s one big manipulative trap so he can try to make you feel horrible about everyone in your life. Not fun.
You can’t change your Dad or what’s happened in the past, but you can change how you conduct yourself in your future relationship with him. Keep your personal life personal.
You’re 26 now, and your father needs to learn how to let go and let you grow on your own.
If he still won’t let go, take his angry controlling hands and slowly pry away their manipulative grip.
* * *
Dear Readers:
It’s that time again. I need more questions!
I write the column 5x per week and that’s a lot. But I can’t do it without you.
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Want to know when it’s time for a career change how to deal with your parents or kids when they’re acting up? How about what to wear to the holiday get-togethers? I’m your guy, and I may not always tell you what you want to hear, but I’ll always give you the great advice you need.
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Thanks!
– Scott