Q: I recently met my biological father at a family funeral. “The Mister” (as I’ve come to call him) had no idea that I existed for these past 31 years, but DNA testing established his paternity. I looked forward to knowing more about him and his family, and he seemed excited about knowing more about me and mine. (I’m a father of two kids, 8 and 11 years old.)
He has two daughters with his wife, and she has one daughter from a previous marriage. We had lunch for my birthday, and we talked pleasantly and exchanged photos. Since then, we have spoken briefly through e-mail and phone calls.
This amount of contact has apparently disturbed his wife quite a bit. He told me they had gone to counseling, and even went to see their family priest, who advised them to integrate me into their lives. The Mister was firm when he told me that he loved his wife very much, which I respected and never questioned or challenged. I assured him that I did not want anything from him that he wasn’t willing to give.
One day, he called to say that to save his marriage, he would have to cut off all contact with me. As saddened as I was, it seemed the fitting thing to do since I never wanted his family to suffer because of me.
The next day, his wife called and left a nasty voice-mail, reiterating her wishes to have me “leave them alone.” She hurtfully said that they did what I wanted as far as the DNA testing was concerned, and she hoped that I was satisfied. I was shocked. I felt like she was accusing me of stalking them or bothering them in some way.
My question is: Should I call the Mister back and tell him how much this hurt me? Is it even my place to feel angry with her? What do I do now?
Danny: Let it go. No anger or retaliation is necessary – unless you want to permanently close the door to a future relationship with your birth father.
You have done well for yourself thus far without the man who matches your DNA. You have a family of your own and the knowledge you sought when you requested the DNA test. Your biological father, just like you, may have that desire to fill a void, but his circumstances do not allow it.
Perhaps in time he will be the man he has yet to become and be able to rewrite this chapter of his life. Perhaps writing a letter to express your disappointment will help, but include an open invitation for him to contact you if ever his heart’s desire can no longer be silenced.
The next move belongs solely to DNA Dad. Honor his wishes and go on living a hopeful and fulfilling life without regrets. You’re doing a great job so far.
Catherine: Well said, Danny. As painful as this situation has become, any action on your part will only make it worse. Give yourself the time and freedom to be upset. At the same time, focus on the wonderful family you do have. You have the opportunity to be the father to your children that your biological father never was for you.
Lily: I am simply going to add: Worry only about that which you can control. Since you cannot control your birth father’s situation, I would simply leave it on the back burner. Enjoy and make the best out of your life, surrounding yourself with your family and friends. Blended families exist and get along just fine, so leave that possibility open.
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