Q: My boyfriend and I recently had a fight over the fact that he values his family more than he does me. He told me that I’m only his girlfriend of two years, but he’s been around his brothers, sister and niece for a lifetime. He sounded quite clear that “my family” and “just a girlfriend” are two entirely different things in his mind. Do we have a future?
Lily: OK, so a part of me wants to do cartwheels and hug this guy (after all, that’s what I would want my boys to say).
But as a wife, I can tell you that guys have enough love for each and every person in their lives. I will never be my husband’s mom, and she will never be me. We just have different roles, different places in their hearts and minds.
If you don’t feel comfortable with your niche in his life, discuss the issue with him without comparing apples and oranges. If you continue getting the short end of the stick, move on. No one likes to be “just a girlfriend,” “just a wife,” or “just” anything else.
Danny: Apples and oranges can blend nicely to make a tasty concoction, but this is about accepting that “living happily ever after” with this guy may be coming to an end. Remember that not everyone is meant for you, and you are not meant for everyone. Relationships are opportunities to find out all you can about a person before committing a lifetime.
You need to discuss in detail what was said during this heated argument. There is no shame or failure in ending a relationship that is not working for you or your partner.
This is a moment of truth for you and your boyfriend. You need to talk honestly, while still acting like adults and not hurting each other. Even fleas jump off a dying dog, so don’t hesitate to hop off if your discussion ends in an impasse.
Catherine: I will once again refer to one of my favorite all-time classics, “He’s Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys,” by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. Your boyfriend might be a wonderful man who truly loves his family, but the honest truth is, “He’s just not that into you.”
Nobody wants a relationship with someone who never quite makes his girlfriend feel like a priority. Sadly, women endure this situation and worse, hoping that one day their frog will turn into Prince Charming.
Some girl eventually will make this man of yours grasp the concept of “leaving and cleaving.” He then will break away from his family and truly join himself with another. I’m not so sad to say that you are not this girl for him.
More important, he is not the man for you. Understand that you are selling yourself short.
There is someone better in your future. In the meantime, focus on developing yourself and developing quality friendships. Both of these endeavors will enrich your life and your future.
We want your questions! Consejos is a bilingual advice column focused on relationships, culture and identity. E-mail your questions or comments to consejos@dallasnews.com. Or send your letters to Consejos, c/o Texas Living, The Dallas Morning News, 508 Young St., Dallas, TX 75202. Visit Lily, Catherine and Danny online at DallasNews.com/consejos.
