I am way behind on my holiday shopping this year.
It’s been too easy to forget those who’ve been accused of white-collar crimes or locked away in prison.
Cherry Creek financial adviser Will Hoover spent 2005 challenging the 100-year prison sentence he received in 2004 for fleecing his clients.
Hoover is an unflinching optimist who promises to repay his clients the many millions of dollars he took from them.
For Will, I would like to order a personalized set of Christmas-tree ornaments.
Each hand-painted ornament would look forward to a Christmas when Hoover will finally be free and able to pay everyone back.
They’ll be prison-garb orange and will read “Merry Christmas, 2104.”
For ex-Qwest chief executive Joe Nacchio, indicted this week on criminal insider-trading charges, I would like to buy QuickBooks.
“Get it right the first time, every time” is how Intuit Software advertises this popular accounting tool. “Don’t waste time double-checking your work; you’ve got more important things to do!”
Like fighting the Feds.
For John Rigas, founder of cable company Adelphia Communications Corp., I want to get the Clapper, as seen on TV. Clap on, clap off. What else are you going to do when you are 80 years old and get hit with 15 years in the pokey?
For Bernie Ebbers, former chief executive of WorldCom, I would like to buy a gift certificate to a certain boutique on Denver’s Larimer Square.
Tall and imposing, Ebbers once earned the nickname “Telecom Cowboy.” But in July, when he was sentenced to 25 years, he started bawling.
A judge ruled that he can stay out of prison while he appeals his conviction. In the meantime, I’d like to buy him a gift certificate to Cry Baby Ranch.
Former Tyco chief executive Dennis Kozlowski was not as lucky. A judge refused to set him free as he appeals his conviction. He was sentenced to eight to 25 years in prison for looting his company.
Kozlowski is renowned for his excesses, including the purchase of a $6,000 shower curtain. Since this year is his first Christmas in the clink, I suspect his tastes are a little less extravagant. Perhaps now he’ll be happy just to have a $6 shower curtain.
It’s curtains for Martha Stewart’s new show, “The Apprentice: Martha Stewart.” The show ended Wednesday. Critics say she was too mild-mannered.
Too mild-mannered? Did Stewart lose her mojo in prison? I am thinking about buying her a gift certificate for a refresher class on “Assertiveness Training.”
Enron founder Ken Lay, former chief operating officer Jeff Skilling and former top accountant Richard Causey go to trial Jan. 17. I’m not sure what to get the three of them. Perhaps anything inflatable.
HealthSouth Corp. founder Richard Scrushy is also on my shopping list.
In June, Scrushy was cleared by a jury of numerous criminal charges alleging that he orchestrated a $2.7 billion accounting fraud. It looked like he was almost in the clear. But then in October, he was indicted for allegedly paying former Alabama Gov. Don Siegelman for a seat on Alabama’s health regulatory board.
Despite his continuing legal issues, Scrushy recently filed a lawsuit against HealthSouth for $70 million in severance pay and bonuses.
Anybody so committed to chasing the almighty buck deserves to catch one. That’s why I would have liked to buy Scrushy a Buck the Animated Trophy.
Buck is made by Texas-based Gemmy Industries, the same company that brought us Big Mouth Billy Bass Jr., the wiggling and singing mounted fish.
Buck looks a real mounted deer trophy, with a 10-point rack, except his head and ears move.
He can sing songs, including “Sweet Home Alabama.” And Scrushy, who has spent much of his time preaching in churches and on his website, would appreciate the remote control and wireless microphone that control Buck.
Buck could even mouth these words from Scrushy’s lawyer, Art Leach:
“Richard Scrushy never gave any disguised payments to anyone. … Richard Scrushy is not guilty and will be fully vindicated at trial.”
Al Lewis’ column appears Sunday, Tuesday and Friday. Respond to Lewis at , 303-820-1967, or alewis@denverpost.com.
