Dear Amy: I have a friend who was happily married for two years to the love of her life. She went into the marriage knowing her husband had cystic fibrosis and also had a double-lung transplant many years before. The second year of her marriage he was quite ill, and he died nine months ago.
My friend has been in mourning ever since, wears black perpetually, and although she has “improved” some, she still seems determined to live out her days in sadness and loss. I see my friend only a few times a year, but it doesn’t take a psychologist to see that she still suffers greatly.
Her mother began living with her to get her through the rough times, even though her mom owns her own home. Now her mother has decided to sell her house and move in with my friend to help with the mortgage. Although this makes sense financially, I don’t see how it can help my friend in getting on with her life. I think she should sell the home and get a smaller house and a roommate other than her mother.
Don’t get me wrong; her mom is a sweetheart, a very caring lady, but I think staying in the house of her marriage is preventing my friend from accepting that her sweetheart is truly gone.
I love her like a sister, but I don’t want to intrude on her grieving and give advice on a situation that I have no experience with. I am happily married with a child. Who am I to suggest what she “should” do?
– Worried Friend
Dear Worried: As you indicate, it is really not for you (or me) to say when a person’s grief should end and the rest of her life begin.
Your friend lost her husband less than a year ago; that first year will be full of ups and downs, but mainly downs. If your friend’s mother is willing and available to move in to help with the mortgage and other matters, I would say your friend is lucky.
You should worry about your friend if she is unable to sleep, losing or gaining a great deal of weight, or increasingly despondent.
Otherwise, let her cope in whatever way she is able, and offer your ongoing friendship and support, without harshly judging her choices.
You might research support groups in her area for people grieving the loss of a family member – the hospital that treated her husband might have a cystic fibrosis support group that would provide community and comfort to her. You could suggest she attend such a group and offer to go with her to the first meeting.
. . .
Dear Amy: I am writing in response to “Grateful but Determined DIL,” who resented her mother-in-law’s generosity. When I had my daughter, the first grandchild on both sides of the family, my husband and I were in the same situation. Family members bombarded us with gifts and items that weren’t needed or wanted, although they were greatly appreciated.
My family backed off when I asked them to stop. Instead, they offered babysitting services (which believe me was very much appreciated).
The way we handled my overbearing in-laws was to ask them to direct the generous amounts of money they were spending in pearls and diamond earrings (for an infant?) to other avenues, such as a college fund for my daughter.
This has worked for our family, and their generous donations biannually to the fund have taken a great strain off of my husband and me! Maybe “Grateful’s” mother-in-law is so happy to have a wonderful new grandchild in the family that this is her way of showing how much she loves them and cares about them.
– Kim in Philly
Dear Kim: Your family respected you by backing off when you asked them to. That’s what good families do. Well done!
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