Dear Amy: I have been happily married for 20 years. I am 42; my wife is 44. We have two great kids.
My problem is that for the past five years our sex life has become a twice-a-year event and then only after I feel I force her into it.
I do not mean rape or anything like that. I basically caress and massage her until she gives in. I would never hurt her and when she says, “Not tonight,” I stop.
I am not expecting sex every day or even every week, but twice a year is crazy.
We had a very active sex life early on. She has put on some weight (not a lot), but so have I (also not a lot). I think she is still beautiful. I would think most women would be ecstatic that their husband still thinks they are sexy in middle age.
I am supportive. I try to do the things I hear women say they need, like cuddling, massaging and listening to her problems. I do laundry, vacuum and help with the kids as needed.
I am tired of excuses. If I go up to bed first, she waits until I fall asleep to come to bed. If we are in bed and awake, she always has an excuse. She is tired, has a headache, it’s “that time of the month,” etc.
I have asked her many times what I can do to help and she says nothing, it’s just her. I do not think she would even consider counseling over this.
– Ready to Cheat
Dear Ready: Surely you can imagine that if your wife feels “forced” into having sex twice a year, then the other 363 days of the year she is wondering if you will attempt to coerce her again.
I’m not blaming you for trying to get what you need, but it might help if you understand the type of pressure your wife might feel she is under.
That pressure doesn’t help her feel relaxed and sexual.
I’m sympathetic to your problem, but you need to change how you are dealing with it.
You should assume that your wife wants to be happy, just as you do. Assume that she wants to love you in the way that you love her, but that there is something going on – either physical or emotional – that is preventing her from doing what you want her to do. A good counselor will help both of you express your frustrations and feelings. Your relationship isn’t only about sex. Unfortunately, her withholding and your methods of dealing with it are making it seem that way.
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