Q:Dear Scott,
Let me just say how much I love your column!! You give great advice, and I thought about something that recently happened to me and figured I could use an objective opinion.
I met this guy around Thanksgiving during a family get together. We talked the whole night, have had great phone chats, text messages, and have been out a couple of times.
I enjoy him very much and believe he is truly one of the Nice Guy types, especially after seeing how much his friends love him. He has good family roots, as do I, and he’s simply fun to be with…and so sweet.
I am pretty level-headed and don’t get too carried away with crazy ideas that more exists than what’s there–a guy I just met that I am still getting to know and hope to spend some more time with.
Here’s the issue: I went out with him and his friends for the first time the other night and had a blast with his buddies. There was a girl there, too, who is part of their group, but who he and his friends claim they don’t really like very much.
Being that the group was about 20+ people, I didn’t interact at all with her one-on-one (there were other people I never talked to; people my guy didn’t even know), yet towards the end of the night, I heard her calling me a bitch to one of her friends. I brought it up to my guy and he dismissed it, telling me he doesn’t care what she says and would never take her seriously anyway.
Her behavior toward me, which was getting more and more forcefully indifferent about my presence (and even still I had not said ONE word to her besides “hello”) became noticeable to everyone. It got to the point of affecting my night, regardless of how supportive he was being of me.
Although I was keeping my own frustrations at bay and being friendly with everyone despite her behavior, I told him I thought it better for me to leave. He asked me to stay because he really wanted me to be there, so I did, and sucked it up some more and had a good night.
I know I couldn’t have enjoyed myself at all if it hadn’t been for how kind he was towards me. But I have had enough experiences to know that girls can be nuts and there is often nothing I can do about becoming a target to someone who only sees me as The New Girl who is trying to “steal” her guy friend away.
And when the night was finally over, and I’m half way to my car, one of his good friends calls out to me, “Sorry about her!” So this problem isn’t just my imagination; this girl’s a real bona-fide head-case. Plus, the next day, he told me he called her out on her behavior, as did everyone else.
I don’t want to cut losses with him…yet. I still think he is worth a try.
But I am not sure how to handle this issue NOW so that he still thinks he can bring me out with his friends again, regardless of whether she’s there. I know that seems weird, after saying she affected my night to the point of leaving, but it’s so early in this “starting out” stage we’re in.
I know something like this could be a deal-breaker this early on, but I don’t want to let it. But how do I do that?
I don’t know where he stands with us after this happened, but telling him I want to talk about it, in my opinion, is the kiss of death (definition talks are a deal-breaker).
Where do I go from here? Do I just let things happen as they will and see where it goes? And keep being just as I was before?
I have a nagging feeling that he is not feeling so positive about us since that night, but since I’m trying to keep things simple, I don’t want to ask him something like, “so, do you still like me?” But that really is the underlying question.
I know where I stand (although I’ve never shared that with him), but I don’t want to put in the effort if the interest is no longer mutual. I could really use a man’s perspective on what your thoughts are on this of the crazy-girl issue and how I should best handle it. So give me all the great advice you got!!
Thanks,
– Sane Worried Woman
SCOTT: It’s comforting to know that sane people are writing in, so thanks for your e-mail. But not everyone has it as together as you.
Some less-sane women don’t care for other women “just because”; there doesn’t even have to be a reason!
But why consider breaking off a good thing just because of her? Does she matter?
She can only come between you if you let her. Dump a guy just because you got called a name and you can count on being single for the rest of your life!
Do you want to be a cat lady or do you want a great guy? (Hint: take the guy!)
If you have the unfortunate task of enduring her company in the future, stay your sane self and allow her put her issues out there for everyone to see. People are observant, and that group knows she’s got a problem. Eventually, she won’t be invited and can find another peer group to torment with her miserable self.
Good luck with the relationship and remember: don’t sweat the small stuff!