Dear Amy: I’m a single mom of an almost 9-year-old daughter who sleeps in my bed. She has been doing this since her father tried to put her in a toddler bed when she wasn’t ready – before age 2.
When my daughter was 5, my husband and I got divorced. I thought that she went through enough trauma and let her continue to sleep in my bed.
We both get grief from family and friends about our sleeping arrangements. I tell them she’ll wake up one day and wonder why she’s sleeping with me when she has her own bed, and it will all be over.
It doesn’t bother me. When people say something directly to my daughter, she gets upset.
Now I wonder if maybe I’m wrong to let this continue.
– Mom on the Side
Dear Mom: The opinions of friends and family aside, the most worrying thing you have done is to convey to your child that sleeping on her own is too alienating and perhaps frightening to bear.
Children lying in their own beds wind down from their days and learn how to process anxieties. You want your daughter to be strong and independent, right? And yet she doesn’t feel independent – even in her own home. You blame her father for her sleeping issue, but you are the head of your household and have been for years.
Your daughter won’t sleep alone until you decide you want her to and commit to it. You could start by letting her pick out new bedding and a fun night light for her room. Explain that she’s growing up and you want her to sleep in her own bed. Let her read by flashlight if she wants, or perhaps listen to a calming CD. You will have to lead her back to her room many times that first week, but if you are calm and good-natured, she will see she isn’t being punished, but that you trust her to do well. When she has mastered sleeping in her own bed, you could help her plan her own sleepover with friends, if she is interested.
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Dear Amy: I work full time and have a 6-month-old daughter. My husband works shifts so he also can look after her, but my mother and mother-in-law also take care of my daughter.
Recently, my mother-in-law, who lives close to us and until now used to babysit for our daughter the most, had some health scares. She won’t acknowledge she is unwell and insists on looking after my daughter.
How can I tell her she is incapable of looking after a 6-month-old child because of her health? She is very stubborn and won’t listen to any of us. She ignores her doctors. All of the members of her family are unhealthy because of poor diets, drinking and being inactive.
– Mimoza
Dear Mimoza: You need to make choices that are best for your child. Even if taking care of a 6-month-old might possibly be manageable; taking care of a 10- to 14-month-old baby would be extremely taxing for someone who isn’t well. Babies who aren’t yet walking are wiggly dead weight and require a ton of strength and energy.
Make other arrangements, and let your mother-in-law know she is off the hook for babysitting, but that you want her to visit on a regular schedule. Let her know you are worried about her and that when her health improves you’ll talk about resuming the babysitting.
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Dear Amy: Here are my tips on how to make a man happy.
Love him, feed him and listen to him. My husband and I share responsibilities. He cleans, does the shopping; I work outside the home; and we both cook. We enjoy each other sensually, travel, have spiritual beliefs and respect and truly enjoy each other’s company. We have been together for seven years and have rarely had a spat, but it has taken both of us 30 years of other relationships to learn this.
– Beth
Dear Beth: Thirty years doesn’t seem long in the scheme of things to learn how to make someone happy. Some people never figure it out. Well done!
E-mail askamy@tribune.com or write Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
