Dear Amy: My sister is 16 years younger than I am. A year ago she revealed to me that my husband’s brother molested her 40 years ago, when she was 5 or 6 years old (he is 11 years older than she is).
I was shocked to the bone. He was such a “good” kid.
For years my sister has had problems with manic depression, alcoholism, etc., but I know her well enough to have no doubt about her recall of this, and I feel that for her sake, he must be confronted.
She wants me involved in the confrontation, which will have to be by phone because he lives several hundred miles away.
My husband and I have been married for 43 years. He jumped to his brother’s defense, but he knows my sister well enough to know that she wouldn’t make up something like this.
I have practiced this confrontation in my mind a hundred times and will not get another good night’s sleep until it is done.
The brother-in-law is a good husband, father and hardworking, religious man. My sister just wants an acknowledgment and an apology.
I can forgive, and my sister can too. All he has to do is apologize.
– Older Sister
Dear Sister: There is a high likelihood that this confrontation won’t achieve what you intend it to.
What will you and your sister do when your brother-in-law flat-out denies this allegation – because he will deny it. What will she say when he accuses her of fabricating this story – because he will. Will your sister get her apology? Not likely. What then? I read your letter to Lynn Parrish, spokeswoman for the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN), an organization that counsels and assists victims and their families. According to RAINN, girls who have been sexually assaulted are five times more likely than other women to struggle with depression and substance abuse. Your sister needs counseling. A counselor would mentor both of you through any planned confrontation.
You (and any other friend or family member of an assault victim) can call the RAINN hotline for immediate advice about what to do next.
The hotline will put you and your sister in touch with a local counselor right away. The number is 800-656-4673 (rainn.org).
The fact that you believe her and are willing to hold her hand as she walks through this fire is a testament to your sisterly bond – and to your character.
…
Dear Amy: I live in an apartment building where my unit and the unit above me share a free washer and dryer in a room attached to the back of my unit. I’m in a quandary about laundry-room etiquette.
The two men who live above me tend to do their laundry after midnight. They’re noisy, but I’ve learned to sleep through it.
My only gripe is that they will leave wet clothes in the washer and dry clothes in the dryer for up to three days after they start their laundry. If they only leave clothes in the dryer, I will often put them in one of my clean laundry baskets with a note apologizing in case they come down and I’m not in the room.
Is there a better way to handle this – especially when they leave wet clothes in the washer? I never move those into the dryer because I wouldn’t want to shrink anything by accident.
– Perhaps Too Considerate
Dear Considerate: You need to be lashed with a wet pair of tube socks.
Etiquette, schmetiquette.
If your loud and inconsiderate neighbors leave wet or dry clothes in the appliances for days, said clothes should be placed on the nearest available surface so that you can do your wash. You do not owe them a clean basket or note apologizing for your disruption of their three-day-long laundry cycle.
You need to get a backbone.
They need to get a clue.
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