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Q: Dear Scott,
My problem concerns my feelings about living with my step-son. He came to live with my husband and me years ago because basically his mom didn’t want the responsibility of raising him.
He is pushing 20 years old and should graduate from high school this spring, that is, if he graduates. He has slid through school with Ds over the years, and now is in danger of failing this semester and not graduating, but we’ll see.
He has had tutors over the years who say he is capable of doing the work if he would make the effort. He has been diagnosed with ADD, but refuses to take medication. He has a part-time job which he has held for three years, and seems to be quite successful at it.
At home, he is a total slob. He occupies one-third of the house (the basement is finished quite nicely), but is a total pig pen. It gets to the point where his part of the house smells.
The only time it gets thoroughly cleaned is when my mother-in-law comes to visit, who takes it upon herself to clean it, then makes comments about what a pig he is.
My husband continues to cut him slack, never setting any boundaries with him about his living area, and continues to cater to him like he is a child. Things are cold between my stepson and I, he is very passive with me and avoids me at all costs, and I have built up grudges against him for being anti-social toward me and basically being a lazy slob.
He says he plans to attend college full-time in the fall, but with him barely making it through high school, I have my doubts. I’m willing to wait it out and see if he does make the effort with higher education, but if he does make the effort, I say he needs to leave within six months.
My husband says he agrees with me, but with the way he babies him, I fear we may have this kid living with us into his late 20s. I want him to either get with the program (keep his space reasonably clean and get decent grades) or move out.
I have two grown children myself, and have never experienced these problems, at least not to this extent.
What do you think is fair and reasonable, Scott?
SCOTT: I think it’s fair and reasonable to work with your kid when he has problems, not let him off the hook of life without goals and expectations just because he’s got ADD. Many people have ADD plus he’s almost 20, still failing high school and need I say it, with his father’s parenting which isn’t working.
He doesn’t need to be left alone, he needs help with his education! The way things stand right now with straight Ds does college even seem realistic? I’m not sure.
What I do know is that your stepson needs help at school and parenting at home, and 20 might be late, but think of this as your wake-up call to try something else. That is, if you want things to turn out any differently, and I know you do!
Enlist your husband’s help to make deals with him that involve revocation of privileges if he doesn’t clean up after himself at home. If tutoring is available at his school, get him back on that for help too.
I’m concerned about your plan, though, because with the way your husband babies him, there’s no way he’d follow through with kicking him out if his son doesn’t make it to college. But something’s got to change, or one day he’s going to have a middle-aged slob living in the basement.