Dear Amy: I am 36 and was recently told that I was adopted. My mother was on her deathbed and wanted to clear her conscience. I have cried for many days and nights because the happy moments of my childhood were tarnished.
I am not against adoption, but I would have taken the news better when I was younger than now. I have held a lot of anger toward my parents because of the way I was told about this.
Slowly, I am starting to get over the whole thing. I have a close relationship with my father and so do my children. My kids do not know about this.
As for my birth parents, I have no clue about their identity. I have filled out paperwork to see if I can find out about them. What do you think about this?
– Adopted in Tennessee
Dear Adopted: Families need to tell each other the truth – always. Your mother waiting to tell you such a basic fact about your identity until she was no longer around to answer questions seems cruel.
Ask your family members questions. I suspect the more they tell you, the less tarnished your memories will seem. You need to reclaim the reality of your childhood, and you can do that by learning the truth.
Tell your kids about your adoption and share with them appropriate details about your search for your birth parents. Your adoption should no longer be a family secret. Let in the light.
A helpful book might be “Lost and Found: The Adoption Experience,” by Betty Jean Lifton (Harper Perennial, 1988). Lifton, who was adopted, explores all sides of the issue – and touches on the feelings you describe.
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Dear Amy: I recently parted with my girlfriend of two years, and it still hurts five months later. While I am managing my life well, all I hear from my pals is that the quickest way to get over someone is to “hook up” with someone else – fast.
I think this is what my ex has done, but I disagree with this theory. I have had the chance to date other women, but it doesn’t feel right at the moment. I think that by dealing with the pain and loss by myself, it will just be a matter of time until I’m healed.
– No Plans
Dear No Plans: While a quick hookup might feel good for a short time, there’s a chance it would make you feel even more lonely and sad.
And quick hookups aren’t necessarily fair to the person you take up with. A rebounding, needy, sad, lonely guy isn’t fun.
Take your time. Your pals don’t always know what’s right for you. The better you deal with your feelings now, the more attractive you’ll be later.
For a guy’s perspective on the relative wisdom of a hookup versus time and healing, rent the hilarious 1996 movie “Swingers.”
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Dear Amy: A few letters from people complaining about being invited to “sales parties” caught my eye.
My dear friend “Brenda” once threw one of these sales parties (selling jewelry) and of course invited me to attend. I declined the invitation on many grounds, but honestly, this friend in the entirety of our friendship had never thrown a party just to enjoy anyone’s company – this was all about profit.
I told her I didn’t want to attend because this really isn’t my “thing.” She then proceeded to yell at me for not being supportive and told me she wouldn’t talk to me if I didn’t attend. She said that if I threw a party like this (which I wouldn’t do), she would attend because it would be important to me.
In the end, I sat there and pretend to have a good time. I also spent $15 on a pair of earrings I could get at the mall for $3.
– Guilted to Attend
Dear Guilted: So far, your “dear friend” sounds like a lousy friend but a good saleswoman. She got you to attend, pretend to be happy when you were not and pay a 500 percent markup on cheesy earrings.
Your whining about being taken on a guilt trip when you drove yourself and paid all the expenses makes me think you need to learn to say no.
E-mail askamy@tribune.com or write Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
