Q: At what age do you think a child can be responsible for calling and arranging visits with a parent that she does not live with? My daughter is 7 and her dad lives nearby. I would like to get out of “the middle” of them seeing each other. How can I begin a transition so that I’m not calling her dad and initiating all her visits to him? I want her to think about how often she would like to see him and what she might like to do when she visits him. Her dad likes to see her, but does not initiate the visits.
– J.S.
A: You and her father need to work out a visitation schedule which sets in advance the times when she will be visiting him. This eliminates the burden on her of having to decide each week whether she wants to see him. It also lets you and her dad know just when those visits will be.
Work with her father on a schedule which would spread over two or three months. This allows her father an opportunity to plan for vacations with her, and lets you know when you will be free to enjoy activities of your choosing.
I urge divorced parents to work hard at maintaining a compatible relationship for the good of their children. It is a great advantage to your daughter to have you and her father cooperating in visits, vacations, health issues, and educational decisions.
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Q: My son is almost 20 months old. He is fairly aggressive. When he is around other children he will frequently pull hair, push another child or throw things. I don’t want him to hurt other kids, but my saying “no” and putting him in “time out” does not seem to be working. What is the best way to deal with this behavior? Will things get better?
– Worried mother
A: Controlling a 2-year-old’s aggressive behavior is a challenging task. There is no magical solution. Your son is at the age when his impulses are directing his actions and his ability to physically carry out his wildest ideas is maturing. This is a potent combination of qualities which presents parents with the demanding job of supervising behavior. His brain is not yet capable of monitoring his impulses. He’ll reach this cognitive skill around the age 4 or 5.
Your task is to supervise his play carefully until he is old enough to control his impulses. Stop any hurtful behavior immediately by stepping in and stopping the action. Take his arm, lead him away from the group and say firmly, “No pushing.” Keep him out of the play for a few minutes and then let him rejoin the group. Put away any items he throws.
I don’t recommend using time out as a consequence until a child is around 4 years old.
When you see him gathering steam for wrongdoing, step in and cut off the action. Your job is to monitor his impulsive moves until his brain can take over.
Write Cathleen Brown care of The Denver Post, 1560 Broadway, Denver, CO 80202 or CABrown500@yahoo.com.
