Q: I have a question for you, but first a little background. My daughter is 13 years old, with a cute figure and pretty face, and although she’s rather typical, with her big mouth and wanting to wear some makeup, she’s also quite conservative.
For instance, I can’t even get her to not wear her bra to bed. Nor will she change clothes in front of me (or anyone else, like her girl friends), whether it’s in our home or the dressing room of a store.
She can regularly be quite sassy and rude to me (normal, I’m her mom and by the way, she doesn’t get away with it), but her teachers love her, and she’s a good student, as she’s on the national honor roll, has always gotten school awards, etc. She’s also quite emotionally sensitive.
So here’s the dilemma: she has two very good male friends from waaaay back, since she was four. One lives across the street, and one around the corner. Since that time, they’ve been spending the night at each other’s houses during the summer months and occasionally on the weekends during the school year.
Last summer I started getting mildly uncomfortable with this, and much of it was due to my mother telling me it was inappropriate at this age. I understand she’s 13 and spending the night at boys’ houses. Sounds terrible! On the other hand, this isn’t anything new, and these kids hang out practically daily.
I see what she wears over there: the long pant PJ’s, a tank with a hoodie over the top, and she always has her bra on. I know that doesn’t mean those things can’t come off, but I know her personality, and I have a really good gut, and I feel that nothing is going on, or is going to go on.
I don’t see her interested in those boys like that. I don’t see any sexual kind of chemistry or tension with them, nor does she have these super attachments to them. If they’re home, great, if not, no big deal. And sometimes she doesn’t feel like hanging out. Occasionally she’ll talk to me about other boys she likes.
I’ve talked to her about the concerns in general, trying to leave her grandma out of it, as I don’t want to strain that relationship. However, she’s obviously upset, and maybe rightfully so, (this is where I’m fuzzy) about me telling her that last summer was the last summer to do this. Occasionally I still let her go. I’ve said it’s until school is out. I’m a bit uncomfortable putting down my foot on this because I don’t feel like I’m giving a good justification for my decision. I know I shouldn’t take it back if I’ve told her “no more”, however, if I’m wrong, it should be rectified over flimsy leadership, as this is a big part of her social/enjoyment in life during the summer.
My mom tends to be a bit over the top on kids stuff, and I really don’t know if she’s right about this or not. Her dad and I are divorced but communicate well, and he pretty much sees it as I do, as does my boyfriend of four years. Maybe they aren’t thinking about it the same way my mom is, and we all should be. On the other hand, my mom doesn’t see these relationships, or my daughter, daily (she does live in town). What is your opinion of this? Thanks, Scott!
– From the mom of the lovable mass of sass
SCOTT: That was a little background? I feel like I’m part of the family now but that’s good, I can be more direct with you.
Grandma’s 100% right! Under no circumstances whatsoever would I let my 13-year-old daughter stay the night at a boy’s house. Are you kidding me? That’s insane!
Forget about what your daughter’s personality is like, do you not know how teenage boys are? It doesn’t matter that she’s known them for so long because now they’re all at an age when their bodies are going through lots of physiological changes! What would you do if something sexual happened at one of these sleepovers? I don’t even want to think about that and neither do you because there’d be no going back; no do-overs.
Prevent irreversible damage from occurring and put a stop to the sleepovers. And forget about upsetting your daughter over this. At 13, her social life should consist of hanging out with the girls not spending the night with boys. That’s the lesson you need to learn: guide her the right way now and she’ll be grateful to you later.
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