If I read one more complaint from a business traveler about noisy children on airplanes, I'm going to need a time-out to control my tantrum.
The last few times I've flown with my kids, the only people I've seen behaving badly are the grown-ups.
But there it was last month in my local newspaper, a column complaining about crying babies and parents who read to kids and play with them during the flight.
Allow me to reciprocate with my own tales from the air.
My boys are not renowned for their demure comportment but even they were appalled by the adults sitting across the aisle on a flight we took to San Francisco.
First the couple loudly, and for what seemed like a half-hour, debated and complained about the small selection of food offered for sale. Come on, guys, it's not that hard! And if you're that picky or that cheap, bring a sandwich from home or buy one in the airport. Not to mention–if you don't know what the choices are by the time the attendant reaches you, you must have attention deficit-disorder, because she says the same thing at every seat before she gets to you.
Then, when the couple got their food, they immediately spilled it all over themselves and their seats, including a hot cup of coffee and the innards of a sandwich. The wife stood up, claiming she was burned; the seat was so wet it had to be roped off and they had to be moved; and they spent the rest of the flight blaming each other for the mishap. No one else could read or watch their little TV screens in peace.
I used the incident as a model of what not to do on an airplane. "You see that?" I whispered to my kids. "Those people are annoying every single person on this plane!"
"Du-uh!" said my older son, rolling his eyes in disgust both at the culprits, and at me, for my unnecessary commentary when it was obvious that our flightmates were jerks.
And while my children are by no means angels, they managed to watch a movie and eat their lunch (I brought food from home) without disturbing anyone else.
We took a red-eye home from the West Coast. Remembering a trip to Paris where it seemed like we were harassed all night with unnecessary offerings and announcements, I administered to each of us a half of a children's chewable Benadryl. Those things knock me out and they're also a good way to prevent ear pain. The last thing I remember is my little one snuggling his head in my arm as the rocking and hum of jet engines lulled us off to dreamland.
I woke up five hours later to the announcement that we were soon to land. Everyone had to put their seats up in compliance with safety regulations. I adjusted our seats and my boys stirred only momentarily. Across the way, I noticed the flight attendant tapping an older man on the shoulder and asking him to adjust his seat. He opened his eyes and stared at her. She continued down the aisle and he went back to sleep without fixing the seat. She asked him a second time, and he again opened his eyes but did nothing. She came back a third time, tapped him again, and firmly restated the necessity of putting the seat up.
Instead of complying, he cursed at her–loudly.
"Don't you dare use that language with me, sir," she responded sharply. "I'm telling you for the last time to put your seat up." This time, he did it.
I was glad my sleeping children missed that one. And I couldn't help but feel proud that both coming and going, they'd behaved better than the adults.
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This week's advice: Airplane food is often unappealing. Pack food from home for the kids, or buy it in the airport. Spills happen easily on tray tables, so put away games and other distractions until drinks are finished. Take flights that offer TV, movies or video games; the $5 charge is a small price for peace. Remind kids to speak softly to avoid disturbing others and to be courteous. Bring paper and pencil for Hangman, or cards, to pass the time, or play simple games like guessing which fist is hiding a penny. Dramamine can prevent motion sickness, but keep the sick bag handy. Children's Benadryl and Tylenol can help soothe ear pain, as can chewing gum, sipping water or sucking on a lollipop during takeoff and landing.
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