It can’t rightly be christened “The Poseidon Misadventure.”
It isn’t kitschy enough to deserve a Velveeta mention. There was a glimmer of cheesy hope when the Black Eyed Peas’ singer Stacy Ferguson appeared at the New Year’s Eve blowout on the luxury liner named for the god of the sea. In her form-fitting gown, she could have been mistaken for Charo.
And while the ship’s survivors are driven to live, “Poseidon” is never character-driven enough to make us care.
Indeed, the movie, starring Josh Lucas and Kurt Russell as the alpha-male duo trying to take a group from the top to the bottom of the overturned ship, doesn’t even reach the emotional watermark of director Wolfgang Petersen’s previous voyage, “The Perfect Storm.”
Be honest, what were you expecting from this Hollywood cruise into the vaults? Extra special effects and maybe some folks to root for.
“Better effects, crueler script!” might be the tagline for this retold tale.
There’s no arguing that when the big computer-generated “rogue wave” hits, you’re in for a visual ride. I, for one, though, miss that mountain of water announcing itself as a green streak across a radar screen the way it did in the 1972 original.
Is “Poseidon” more amazing than another flick about a ship going down? What was it called? Oh yeah, “Titanic”? Of course not.
It’s just more. More rushing water; more unquenchable fires; more flying, crashing, crushing debris; more broken, burned, floating bodies.
In an impressive touch, the ship’s swimming pools dump their contents into the sea as the wave turns the Poseidon into a hapless surfer in a North Shore pipeline nightmare.
Is it more indelible than disaster maestro Irwin Allen’s insta- classic, starring Gene Hackman, Roddy McDowell, and floating above them all, Shelley Winters? Not on Mrs. Belle Rosen’s life.
Before the new Poseidon meets its unmaking, we meet the cast. With Lucas, Russell, Richard Dreyfuss and Emmy Rossum (“The Phantom of the Opera”), it’s not a bad crew. But they are set adrift by a flat script, written by Mark Protosevich (“The Cell”).
Except for the palpable terror of a waiter played by Freddy Rodriguez (“Six Feet Under”), there’s little ballast to give moving weight to the disaster.
It isn’t for lack of trying. There’s the forlorn gay man (Dreyfuss) who forgoes suicidal thoughts when he has to fight for his life. There’s the over-protective father and his bristling- to-be-free daughter. There’s a mother and young son (played by Jacinda Barrett and Jimmy Bennett) who melt Lucas’ hardened professional gambler Dylan Johns. But their connections are handled hurriedly. Let’s get back to the lethal flotsam.
Russell steps in as former New York City Mayor Robert Ramsey. He may have mastered a couple of universes (though, really, there’s no way he would ever have been elected da mayor of that burg), but Ramsey can’t keep his daughter (Rossum) under his protective gear forever.
Russell and Lucas strain for onscreen authority. Yet, when Russell’s character tells someone, “I used to be a fireman,” everyone in the audience will be tempted to quip, “Wasn’t that in “Backdraft?”
Parents, be warned. If the film has a child in danger, consider it a hard PG-13. Here the filmmakers feel compelled to plunge a young boy into a scene that, while true to the disaster, goes beyond the pale.
But then the visual grammar of horror flicks is overtaking other genres. When cinematographer John Seale trains his lens on the bottom of an elevator shaft full of twisted metal, we know it’s only a matter of time before someone will be impaled.
And when poker-playing lout Lucky Larry mouths off, not only can you bet the farm his luck’s about to run out, but “Poseidon” has led us to hope it may. And in the end, what sort of hope is that?
Film critic Lisa Kennedy can be reached at 303-820-1567 or lkennedy@denverpost.com.
“Poseidon” | ** 1/2 RATING
PG-13 for intense prolonged sequences of disaster and peril|1 hour, 38 minutes|DISASTER DRAMA|Directed by Wolfgang Petersen; written by Mark Protosevich, based on the novel by Paul Gallico; photography by John Seale; starring Josh Lucas, Kurt Russell, Jacinda Barrett, Richard Dreyfuss, Emmy Rossum, Mia Maestro, Mike Vogel, Jimmy Bennett, Kevin Dillon, Freddy Rodriguez, Andre Braugher |Opens today at area theaters
