The three little girls, all 9 years old, chattered in the back seat of the car, exchanging stories of school, soccer and siblings. Then, the bomb:
“Hey, didja hear the joke about the pickle and the penis?” my daughter’s friend asked.
I held my breath and let her continue, never imagining that out of this petite child’s innocent mouth would come one of the raunchiest “potty” jokes I’d ever heard. Ewwwwww.
The girls laughed uproariously. I blanched, shook my head and said, “OK, that was really gross, and I don’t want to hear anything like it again.”
They were quiet for a few seconds, then turned their attention to a more genteel subject: French-kissing boys.
Whoa. Could it really be? What had happened to my pigtailed toddler who loved “Bear in the Big Blue House” and sparkly tiaras?
Certainly, there had been subtle signs for a few years, questions about the purpose of breasts, what was “down there,” why boys are different and the need for privacy.
Yet I kept seeing her as my little girl, fully aware of the inches she gained but not noticing the speed with which her emotional growth had developed.
On the first day of spring, as I had done every year, I recited this poem to her: “Spring has sprung, the grass is riz. I wonder where the birdies is?” She giggled – then, for the first time, pointed out that “riz” wasn’t a word.
Oh. My daughter was smart and aware. Perhaps the time had come to tell her another story about “the birdies” – and the bees-ies.
Is it too soon?
And yet I hesitated: Just when is the right time to have “the talk”? Can you harm a child if you tell her too much, too soon? Could she somehow misconstrue it as permission to explore and experiment in inappropriate ways? On the other hand, would withholding information make her think that I didn’t care, or that sex and her body were something of which to be ashamed?
These decisions are tough. How you handle this part of your child’s life will greatly affect her self-image and future relationships.
Yet there’s no escaping it. “Parents have to talk about sex with their kids,” says Jeff Dolgan, chief of psychology at The Children’s Hospital in Denver. “The first step is to find out what they already know, and if they’re comfortable to talk to you. Key off of them asking you questions first.”
Whatever you do, the experts say, don’t lie to them. (One woman for years believed watermelon seeds caused pregnancy, yet wondered how the seed got “up there.”)
My daughter also was starting to make errant assumptions. I wanted to spare her an experience like my own, which, after 34 years, still makes me cringe.
Learning the “secret”?
I was 13, swimming in our backyard pool with friends and Chrissy, a neighbor who had just had a baby. She was wearing a bikini. I asked her where her tummy scar was. “My what?”
“Why, where the baby was cut out of you! Isn’t that how all babies are born?”
She grinned sheepishly and said, “Go talk to your mother.”
So I asked my older sister, who laughed condescendingly and then called all her friends to tell them what a dimwit I was.
Finally, my best buddy, Gail, let me in on the “secret.”
Really? Oh. Ouch.
Soon after, I was the one helping Gail, instructing her on the use of tampons from behind a closed bathroom door. (This was in the early ’70s, when we still used those clumsy, old-time belts with metal tabs for sanitary pads, so Gail was grateful for the advice.)
It never occurred to either of us to ask our moms about the facts of life or our bodies.
But it’s different today. Our kids are growing up faster than we did, have so much more information at their disposal and are living in a “sex sells” world. Innocence ends so much sooner.
“Certainly by 9 or 10, kids have questions,” Dolgan says. “Teens don’t ask questions; they’ll find out from one another. Plus, they have more outlets than their parents did. These are Internet-savvy kids.
“If kids are watching TV, they’ll ask things like, ‘What’s an erection that lasts longer than four hours?’ Because it’s out there; you can’t immunize kids from these sorts of things.”
According to the Mayo Clinic (mayoclinic.com), “It’s never too early to start talking to your children about sexual matters. Openness, even with young children, will show that sex is an acceptable topic of conversation. Teach your child that you are available to discuss sexual issues, and establish a comfort level – for both of you – with the topic.”
OK. So once you decide it’s actually time to talk to your kids about their bodies and puberty and sex, how do you go about it?
I liked the idea of using a book, since it would be backup in case I forgot to mention anything. I chose “Girl Stuff: A Survival Guide to Growing Up,” by Melissa Blackston, et al., for ages 9-12. There it all was, in cartoonish but still anatomically correct sketches and diagrams: Breasts. Vaginas. Penises. Testicles. Acne. Menstruation. Tampons. The facts of life, in black and white and subtle shading, condensed into a hip little handbook.
Horrors.
Then and now
What a long way from my own experience as a 9-year-
old, wondering what was under Sister Agnes’ robe. I was raised in a Catholic household and went to parochial school, where the nuns did all they could to keep us from discovering we even had such a thing as sexuality. (“Nun of this and nun of that. Ha.”)
I was 23 before I even dared utter the word “sex” in front of my parents (and only in an indirect way, mind you; I may even have spelled it out).
Neither of my parents ever thought to explain the facts of life to me – just as their own parents had never been forthcoming. Much of my information (not all of it accurate) was gleaned from friends, a few romance comic books that Mom hid under her bed and some National Geographics Dad kept in the basement. That was it.
Sex was always something private, and was nobody else’s business. It just wasn’t talked about. Those girls who lost their virginity in high school were pathetic, not admirable. The ones who wore too-tight tops and short shorts were just looking for trouble.
Our music, even the hard rock, never came close to containing lyrics like “don’t you wish your girlfriend was hot like me” or, worse still, today’s catchy gangsta rap tunes that are loaded with profanities and violence and degradation of women.
Dolgan has seen attitudes toward sex change in his 30-year practice. “There is this endless exposure to sexuality. The key is what the parents do about that. It’s important that kids know sexuality has nothing to do with anger and aggression; it has to do with commitment and affection and love. That moves into family values. (Parents) attach the moral spin, the good judgment spin.”
But it’s not an easy road. Sex sells, I’m reminded daily, whenever my daughter puts on one of her supposedly pre-teen-appropriate CDs and prances around her room, shaking her hips provocatively. A “Now That’s What I Call Music!” compilation I bought her for her birthday has the worst language edited out, but she and her friends insist the word “funk” is actually something else. And the absence of those profanities doesn’t take away from the meaning behind it all: Sex is cool.
Keep communicating
So I tell my daughter what’s appropriate (and what’s not), monitor what she watches and listens to and reads, and try to keep the lines of communication open.
“Primarily, the parents’ job is to help with attitude development about sexuality, to provide information, resources and to correct any kind of distortions,” Dolgan says. “Based on your kid, you will know what to do. Is there such as thing as TMI? Certainly. But kids will slow the parents up, and tune out if you go much beyond the answer they seek. Just keep an open attitude with other questions.”
Bruce Kennedy, clinical director of inpatient psychiatric services at The Children’s Hospital, says that for younger children, it’s a “great experience to see the birth of an animal. That’s a good launching point to talk about reproduction.”
Kennedy adds, “Make sure your kids know that sex is a special thing, between two people who love each other and it’s meaningful. You can’t start too early talking to kids about people who are inappropriate with sex, or touch you where they shouldn’t. It’s important they know that for personal safety.”
When my daughter and I finally sat down one night to have “the talk,” having the book actually brought up more questions, which I tried to answer calmly and honestly. But she learned the truth about how babies are born – and much, much more.
Too bad “Girl Stuff” wasn’t around when I was a kid. Then I might not have believed my sister when she told me about the watermelon seeds.
Barbara Ellis can be reached at bellis@denverpost.com or 303-820-1751.
Sex education resource list
BOOKS FOR CHILDREN
Ages 4 to 8
“A Kid’s First Book About Sex,” by Joani Blank and Marcia Quackenbush; Down There Press, 1993
“Mommy, Daddy, Where Do Babies Come From?” by Grace Ayad and Richard Panzer, Benny Andersson (illustrator); Center for Educational Media, 1997
“El Maravilloso Mundo Del Amor Verdadero (The Wonderful World of True Love),” by Graciela Ayad, Richard Panzer, Benny Andersson (illustrator); Center for Educational Media, 1997
“Mommy Laid an Egg! Or Where Do Babies Come From?” by Babette Cole; Chronicle Books, 1996
“Where Do Babies Come From?” by Margaret Sheffield; Alfred A. Knopf, 1987
Ages 6 to 10
“Asking About Sex and Growing Up,” by Joanna Cole; Econo-Clad Books, 1999
“Where Do Babies Come From? For Ages 6 to 8 and Parents,” by Ruth S. Hummel; revised edition; Concordia, 1998
“Where Did I Come From?” by Peter Mayle; Lyle Stuart, 2000
Ages 9 to 12
“Changes In You and Me: A Book About Puberty Mostly for Boys,” by Paulette Bourgeois; Andrews and McMeel, 1994
“It’s Perfectly Normal: Changing Bodies, Growing Up, Sex, and Sexual Health,” by Robie Harris; Candlewick, 1996
“It’s So Amazing! A Book About Eggs, Sperm, Birth, Babies, and Families,” by Robie Harris; Candlewick, 1999
“My Body, My Self for Boys,” by Lynda Madaras; Newmarket Press, 1995
“No B.O.! The Head-to-Toe Book of Hygiene for Preteens,” by Marguerite Crump; Free Spirit, 2005
“The Preteen’s First Book About Love, Sex, and AIDS,” by Michelle Harrison; American Psychiatric Press, 1995
“Ready, Set, Grow! A What’s Happening to My Body Book for Younger Girls,” by Lynda Madaras; Newmarket Press, 2003
“Sex Explained: Honest Answers to your Questions About Guys and Girls, Your Changing Body, and What Really Happens During Sex,” by Magali Clausener-
Petit; Amulet Books, 2004
“Sex Stuff for Kids 7-17: A Book of Practical Information & Ideas for Kids, Parents & Teachers,” by Carole Marsh; Gallopade, 1998
“What’s Happening to My Body? Book for Boys: The New Growing-Up Guide for Parents and Sons,” third edition; by Lynda Madaras; Newmarket Press, 2001
Young Adult
“Changing Bodies, Changing Lives: A Book for Teens on Sex and Relationships,” by Ruth Bell; expanded third edition; Times Books, 1998
“It’s Perfectly Normal: Changing Bodies, Growing Up, Sex, and Sexual Health,” by Robie Harris; Candlewick, 1996
“Like It Is: A Teen Sex Guide,” by E. James Lieberman; McFarland, 1998
“Right on Schedule: A Teen’s Guide to Growth and Development,” by Jean Ford; Mason Crest, 2005
“The Teenage Guy’s Survival Guide,” by Jeremy Daldry; Little, Brown & Co., 1999
“The Teenage Human Body Operators Manual,” by Lee White; Northwest Media, 1998
“Your Body, Yourself: A Guide To Your Changing Body,” by Alison Bell; Lowell House, 1996
“What’s Going On Down There?: Answers to Questions Boys Find Hard to Ask,” by Karen Gravelle; Walker and Co., 1998
More online: For many more books for children and adults, go to denverpost.com/style
Compiled by Catherine Smith, MLS, medical librarian at the Family Health Library, The Children’s Hospital, Denver; Reprinted with the permission of the University of Michigan Health System, May 2006.
