Q: Dear Scott: My problem is my ex-husband’s relationship (or non-relationship) with his daughters. We’ve been divorced for two years, and separated a year before that, after a 20-year marriage. The girls are now 20 and 16, and the divorce was due to his alcoholism. He’s a functioning alcoholic and it severely impaired our marriage and family life.
Here’s the problem he barely has any relationship at all with his daughters. He absolutely won’t be called a “deadbeat” dad because he pays his child support like clockwork every month, but he rarely calls them, sees them, or interacts with them in any way. Both girls have attempted numerous times to call him, leave him messages, and he rarely responds. About once a month he’ll manage to get together for a dinner out with them, but that’s it.
He basically spaced out the youngest’s birthday last fall, and recently totally forgot his oldest daughter’s birthday altogether. She even called him to invite him to celebrate with us and he blew her off — she’s called him since and relays that he seems distant and cold.
Now, I know you can’t change an elephant into a puppy dog and I’m not even going to go there. What I need is a way to help my kids. I hate seeing them in this kind of pain and it’s difficult to advise them. I know the kids both understand what their father’s problem is and the problems it causes for everyone, but it doesn’t change or help their pain or make things easier. How do I help my girls?
(Al-Anon was in the picture a few years ago, but both kids found their attitude condescending and resented their push toward making his problem their problem that they had to understand.)
Thanks Scott, for keeping it real.
– Hurting Mom in the Rockies
SCOTT: I’m sorry you’re hurt, Mom. I’d be hurt too and can’t imagine how your poor daughters feel. At least you have the insight to know that their father isn’t going to change, not anytime soon, anyway. I’m just glad he’s paying child support!
Another good point is that they understand why he’s barely present in their lives but it’s also important that you help them better understand the nature of the beast. Children of alcoholic parents tend to grow up confused and vulnerable, often looking inward for explanation and, sadly, end up blaming themselves.
You and I know his alcoholism has nothing to do with them, so just make sure they understand it. The more they learn about the disease, the better off they’re going to be with or without his presence in their lives.