Dear Amy: My ex had an affair for nearly two years before I found out. He was a mostly absent father to our two toddlers and couldn’t be bothered with them for other than minimal scheduled visits the first two years after we split. He was emotionally cruel to me through it all, but in the past year things have been cordial.
The “other woman” divorced her husband, and she and “Steve” are getting married. They seem to like her, and she treats them well. She has kids too, and mine are excited about having “brothers and sisters.” I have mustered every ounce of strength to smile and be pleasant to these two because I know it is best for the kids.
My challenge is that when I talk to Steve or his fiancée, they make a point of telling me how they are doing things as a “family.” And the kids come home repeating this “family” mantra.
I am still single, and when I say something to my kids about us doing something as a family, they say things such as, “But Mom, it’s just us.” My immediate family lives out of state, while their dad has a circle of aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents close by.
I have made a solid home and happy life for us, but how can I help my kids (and myself) feel like, and refer to us as, a family too?
– Seeking a Family Way
Dear Seeking: Most 4- to-8-year-olds go through a stage of being fascinated by the idea of “family” – especially if their own is in a state of flux. Kids with divorced parents often fantasize about a world populated by two-parent households, and even if it doesn’t match many actual families, it is a powerful notion that children can cling to.
Your children will settle down and, if they are lucky, they’ll benefit from their new relationships while they learn that “families” take many valuable forms. You need to let them go through this and continue to be supportive. You’re going to continue to light the way for them by being a wonderful example, and as they grow they’ll value your family as being as authentic as any.
…
Dear Amy: I am single, but I have had a “significant other” for four years. We are moving in together the month before the wedding of a mutual friend.
When the friend originally called me to announce her engagement, she went on and on about how excited she was to see “you and Rob” at the wedding, but when the invitation came, only my name was on it.
Rob and I already bought plane tickets. What to do now?
– Baffled
Dear Baffled: Presuming that “Rob” hasn’t also received an invitation sent to his home, then you should probably give your friend a call to clarify this. Normally, “significant others” are included in wedding invitations – certainly it sounds as if these friends were at one time assuming that Rob would accompany you. Don’t pressure your friends – just tell them you need to make sure who is on their list before committing to your travel plans.
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