Q: Dear Scott – One of my best friends has been seriously involved with her boyfriend going on 5 years. After a rocky start, it was rumored that he was cheating on her and that she was doing the same to him. They worked through their issues and seemed to have the “perfect” relationship.
About 2 years ago, her boyfriend was transferred to another state for his job. Its been tough on the both of them, but they continued to see each other at least once a month and she has continued to be very supportive of his goal with work.
Recently, however, there have been issues again. Her boyfriend was only supposed to be on detail for a year and, as I said before, it’s been two, and she gets extremely depressed when she returns from her trips to see him. She has a great job here but has told him that she would be willing to move so that they can be together. As I am told, he continually rejects that suggestion saying that he’s not ready and that he only wants to move in with a girl when he’s ready to get married.
Last week he told her that he doesn’t even know if he ever wants to get married. I personally think he never will. He’s nine years older than her and after all this time, he’s never even considered it.
Anyhow, as you can assume, this knowledge has hurt her and has put her deeper in depression. She doesn’t eat, she cries a lot, and, except for going to work, she never wants to leave her house. She has asked me several times what she should do and every suggestion I make is immediately shot down.
So I’m placing her question with you. What do you think she should do? Do you think she should give him an ultimatum or stick around and wait for the possibility that he’ll change his mind or, as I think, should she move on?
Please help me find a way to get my great friend back. Thanks!
SCOTT: I think she should start living her own life instead of living for this dream of living happily ever after with her boyfriend. I can’t say exactly what his intentions were with her, but two years following his relocation, a fairy tale ending is less likely to occur. It also makes no sense for her to move and go be with him since he obviously doesn’t want that.
In fact, something rings false about where he’s at with the relationship because he doesn’t behave like a guy who’s been torn away from the love of his life.
I know I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know but your friend is in denial about where her relationship is and where it’s headed. It’s going to be a steep hill to climb but she needs to figure out that, without his interest and participation for the future of the relationship, there simply won’t be one.