Dear Amy: I am the oldest of three siblings.
My brother lives out of state. I rarely see him and hardly know him anymore. My sister lives nearby and has a jerk of a boyfriend who limits what she can do. My mother also lives nearby and is a controlling perfectionist.
My problem is that every time they seek advice or a “shoulder” from me, I jump at the chance to help and listen to them. When I have a dilemma, though, they insist that I am being childish and weak. Our problems are similar. All I want is for someone to listen and to ease the burden. They’re hypocrites, but when I point this out, they insult me and become angry to the point of spewing vitriol.
I want to know how I can stop this emotionally destructive pattern and make them understand that I need to vent too. Should I just refuse to discuss things with any of them (which is heartbreaking as it is)? Should I turn them away when they seek me out?
– Dilemma Dog
Dear Dog: Anything would be better than this cycle of disappointment and abuse.
You have such a negative view of each and every family member that I can only assume they have a negative view of you. And yet there you are, stuck together, with only your dysfunction to keep you warm.
The happiest and most functional families offer one another a soft place to fall and a measure of hope. Because you are the family member writing to me, I’d counsel you to try to nudge your family more toward the middle, not by sharing your problems with them and expecting them to do what you already know they are bad at (listening and empathizing), but by trying to build a new set of family experiences together.
This is a tall order, I know. You can start by taking your personal issues elsewhere, behaving in a more neutral way toward your family members and rising above the whirl of dysfunction in your clan.
…
Dear Amy: I am responding to “Concerned Family Member,” who wondered about how far they had to go to invite a teen who wanted to bring an uninvited date to a family wedding.
My husband and I were married a little more than a year ago. Before the wedding, we were contacted by a couple that we had invited. They asked us if they could invite their 15-year-old daughter, whom we barely knew at the time. She was not on our guest list.
The couple explained that the teenage girl had never been to a wedding before and felt bad about that.
At first, I was taken aback by the request. You’re right, Amy, I guess it isn’t proper “etiquette” to ask to be invited to a wedding.
However, with family and friends, sometimes things are not perfect or pretty. We invited both the daughter and, knowing she had a boyfriend, a guest. She and her boyfriend came and both dressed adorably, acted respectably, danced the night away with big smiles, and graciously thanked us at the end of the evening.
We were thrilled that we had invited them. As for the daughter, she now calls us “some of her parents’ favorite friends.”
– Glad I Included Them in Chicago
Dear Glad: What I like about your letter is how flexible and open you were to the possibilities. As I have often said in this space, “etiquette” is only a blueprint for behavior. You get to design and build your own social structure to fit.
You were gracious and your graciousness was met with gratitude. I like it.
Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
