The black fuzz on the light carpet was the final insult. My friend Steve noticed it after his unbidden guest departed. “His sock fuzz was everywhere,” said Steve, who lives alone in a home in the South. The guest needed a cat-free place to stay for two weeks while he settled into a new job and found a place to live in Steve’s town. Steve qualified as he had no cats and a guest room.
“He didn’t clean up?” I asked.
“No, and the vacuum was in his closet. But the fuzz was nothing compared to the sand.”
“Sand?”
“He slept in his sandy sleeping bag, which he put on top of the clean sheets. I still can’t get all the sand out of the bed.”
We’ve all known house clods who don’t use coasters, don’t clear their dishes, leave wet towels on the floor, put their dirty shoes on the sofa, and generally treat the place as a B&B. And that’s just my family! But some guests act the same.
Since summertime is prime house-guest season, if you’re not having houseguests, you’re probably going to be one. Having company is the No.1 reason people toil all year fixing up their homes. We do this so friends and relatives can descend on us in July like a bad heat wave and make cooing comments like, “Is that bath tile new? Love the new sofa. Did you build that gazebo?”
Let’s pause a moment to examine whether this is worth the trouble. … Probably not, but until the world’s gracious hosts decide to throw in the guest towel, guests should remember that just as designing a gracious home is an art, so is living graciously in someone else’s home.
I offer as a role model my friend Julia. I actually have many role models. For instance, I have always aspired to look like Marlo Thomas and write like Joan Didion – more often I achieve the reverse. But everything I ever learned about being a house-guest I stole from Julia. She comes bringing groceries – cheeses I’ve never met and wines whose names I can’t pronounce. She helps cook and teaches you how to make what she’s cooking. She helps clean up. She brings small gifts for the kids, usually books clairvoyantly in line with their ages and interests. She makes great conversation and can talk about touchy subjects without making anyone flinch or leave the room. She knows when to go to bed.
Not everyone is lucky enough to have Julia-type guests. Many of us endure folks like Steve’s friend. “He would bring in my mail and take all the choice magazines to his bathroom,” Steve continued his rant. “That’s disgusting.”
“And he would e-mail me at work to ask what was for dinner. His two weeks became a month. I thought he’d never leave.”
“So did you learn any lessons?”
“Yes,” he said without hesitation. “Set a non-negotiable end date from the start. Never say help yourself to anything, because they will, and get a cat.” Good advice for hosts.
Epilogue: At the end of his ordeal, Steve’s guest thanked him with a new satellite radio system. “I had to get something out of this,” he said, “or I never would have forgiven myself.”
Marni Jameson is a nationally syndicated columnist who lives in the Denver area. You may contact her through marnijameson.com.
Ten Rules of Conduct for Houseguests:
Treat your host’s home as you would like others to treat your home – not the way you actually treat your home.
A short stay with long notice beats a long stay with short notice.
Wear two accessories at all times: antennae to pick up vibes and special glasses to read between the lines.
Come bearing gifts; leave bearing gifts.
If the hosts have been making every meal, take them out to dinner and pay.
When you’re out on the town, pick up something simple for the house: a bottle of wine, some great bread, cheese or a confection.
Remember that just because you’re on vacation, doesn’t mean your hosts are. Don’t expect to be entertained 24/7.
Make your bed. Put the toilet seat down. Hang up your wet towels.
Don’t try to change anyone’s religious or political beliefs.
Even if they tell you you’re no trouble, assume that you are, unless you’re Julia.
