I’ve watched some of the best men of my generation lose their sanity over the front lawn.
If only they had used the proper fertilizer. Or watered a little more. Or maybe watered a little less. If only they had that 25 horsepower, V-Twin engine power mower, their lawn would be perfect.
Surely, when Edith Marie Fenton and her husband, Jason Gibbs, scraped the money together to buy their first home in Aurora, they never imagined a modest front lawn would become an obsession.
When the couple moved last spring into the house – which Fenton says was abandoned for years – one of the first things they concentrated on was resuscitating the dead lawn.
According to Fenton, the couple “aerated and fertilized and planted seed, and what the wind didn’t blow away, the stupid birds ate.”
And just when they thought the stupid birds and new water restrictions were their biggest problem, an Aurora code enforcer showed up.
Fenton and Gibbs have received two violation notices in less than four months. A third means a trip to court.
Fenton says she laid the situation out to the code enforcement officer – new house, empty for years, lawn neglected, need help, death to weeds! – “but he’s just not sympathetic at all.” The bottom line is this: Grow grass, or else.
“That means a day off of work and court fees; it’s ridiculous. I’ll have to explain to the judge that I can’t grow grass! … Yeah, I graduated from Metro, summa cum laude with a degree in English – but I can’t make grass grow. So what?”
Nancy Sheffield , director of Neighborhood Services of Aurora, tells me that the codes on landscaping had not been enforced for a couple of years while the drought was at its worst.
This season, however, the policy has changed. Sheffield claims the city has gotten numerous complaints from residents who want the lawn code enforced.
How many complaints have they gotten from the lawn-care challenged?
They have no access to those numbers at this time.
“How am I supposed to grow grass if it’s been like 90 degrees for 14 days in a row and 100 degrees for two days in a row, and I can’t afford sod!” Fenton goes on. “And even if I had sod, who can afford to water it? I have to buy a permit from the city of Aurora to water it. I can’t afford to water it every day. We did have grand plans for our landscaping; we just wanted to do it on our own time frame and our own budget.”
Having had one lawn of my own, which was quickly transformed into a dust bowl, it’s difficult for me to ascertain if these folks are simply clueless when it comes to lawn care or have a legitimate gripe. When I inspect their lawn, for instance, it looks lush green to me.
“We mow it every week,” Fenton had told me. “But, you know, it’s not grass.”
A closer look reveals a well-manicured bed of weeds.
What’s the difference? Green is green.
Here, I’m wrong. You can look it up. Aurora code, in plain English: Landscape Ordinance, Article 14 of the City of Aurora Zoning Code. Just go to Sec. 146-1410 … which is pursuant to Section 138-187(B)(1).
Wait. That’s unless she’s talking about the lawn buffer, which is 14.1, 14.2, 14.3, 14.11, and 14.13 through 14.17.
“We can’t spend the money on furniture or a new dishwasher. … We have to divert everything to the stupid grass,” Fenton complains. “Every week, we’re at Wal-Mart, Home Depot or Lowe’s buying mulch or buying flowers that are going to die anyway.”
You see what a lawn can do to you? It makes you cynical and bitter.
What’s worse, this episode has prompted Fenton to read more Aurora code.
“Did you know those numbers on your door that identify your house have to be 4 inches high and in a contrasting color?” she tells me.
You guessed it. Hers did not meet code. Fenton ran to the local Wal-Mart and bought proper 4-inch numbers.
Before the code enforcer came around with a ruler.
David Harsanyi’s column appears Monday and Thursday. He can be reached at 303-820-1255 or dharsanyi@denverpost.com.
