Dear Amy: How do I politely kill an unwanted friendship? One of my former college roommates was verbally abusive and manipulative. At times, she tried to drive a wedge between the two other girls we lived with and myself.
She had a chip on her shoulder all year. She would insult everyone, give us the silent treatment and put words in my mouth about the other girls to make them feel as if she and I were some kind of team against them.
To top it off, she was kind of obsessive about me. She interrogated me about where I was, with whom, when and why. One moment she’d want to be like me, and then she would become critical and mean.
I talked to her several times about how she needed to stop this behavior.
Now we’ve all graduated and I simply don’t want this problematic person in my life. She calls me all the time and I don’t answer or return her calls. I talked to her once online since graduation and she already had something negative to hurl at me.
Do you have any suggestions on how to tell her to stay out of my life?
– Feeling Stalked
Dear Stalked: You should issue a simple and declarative statement, and then back off completely.
Do not initiate contact in order to do this, but wait until she contacts you. E-mail might be best because you can draft what you want to convey and make sure that it is clear and unequivocal before you send it.
“Mandy, I’m sorry to have to say this but I feel that our relationship has run its course. I find your negative attitudes toward life very hard to take and don’t want to be in touch any longer. I wish you well.” She will respond to this but don’t get sucked into a dialogue with her. Just let it lie.
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Dear Amy: I am responding to a couple of letters I’ve read in your column about parents sending their children off into the world with few life skills.
I am a 14-year-old, and it sounds as though I may have more life skills than these adults. Last summer, my parents started The Plan.
The Plan is our family’s system where each month I get an allotment of money and I am required to pay all of my own bills. I do not have to pay for food, medical needs or rent. Any clothes, snacks, hair care or entertainment I have to pay for. I am also involved in sports and I am required to pay my sports fees.
My parents set me up with a checkbook, a debit card and a budget, and they monitor my spending but I am largely independent in the ways I can spend my money.
To get to my sports practice every day after school, I ride the city bus.
This summer, my parents are sending me off on a three-week trip with other students. We are required to be largely self-sustaining on the trip.
Some of my family’s systems might seem a bit extreme, but I think that by the time I’m ready to go off on my own, I’ll be prepared.
– Ready for Anything
Dear Ready: I don’t think this sounds extreme at all. I like everything about The Plan. The only thing I might add is that I hope that you are setting aside a percentage of your income to save and a portion to contribute to the charity or worthy cause of your choice.
We parents need to remember that the crowning achievement of raising our children is to send them off into the world prepared to take care of themselves – and others.
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