Q: Hi Scott. I’ve been reading your column and like your answers and insight, and am hoping you have some for me!
I’ve been married for 15 years, and prior to that we were “together” on and off for 7 years. This was all due to him – not wanting to be in a relationship, not treating me very nice (distant, intimacy issues – once during our first year he told me his lips were too tired to kiss).
During one of the “off” times, I pursued a flirtation with another man. I fell deeply in love with him – and he with me. The problem was that this other guy had a drinking problem. We were all living overseas and the town was kind of like a small high school – everyone knew everyone else’s business.
Everyone thought quite highly of my husband / boyfriend at that time as he comes across as this really gregarious, great guy. But my heart was definitely with the other guy, although the drinking totally scared me.
I chose security. I did love him, and still do – but the love has diminished over the years. Every slight, cruel word, rejection – they have all eaten away at my love for him. I’ve never stopped thinking about the other guy. Every day I miss him, think about him etc. He stopped drinking for about 10 years and lives in Singapore. He’s had a really bad run of luck, and started drinking again.
Whereas I’m totally afraid to get involved in someone’s own private hell, I know he is an amazingly wonderful man, and want to see him badly.
I’ve come to the realization that, regardless of the outcome with him, I don’t want to be married to my husband any longer. He says he’s a good husband – and basically, he is. But I have to initiate sex about 95% of the time, and get shot down just about as often. Says he’s too tired, blah blah blah. He gives the dogs more love and affection than I get. I am afraid of the change, as we have a good stable life – the security issue again. Also, I’m 51 – afraid that no one will really ever love me again.
I plan on seeing the old flame at the end of the summer. This is the time to finally have some closure. I want to end the marriage, and have felt this way for years, but never done anything about it. He recently divorced his wife, and we’re in contact.
Thanks very much!
– Confused in Colorado
SCOTT: If you don’t want to be married anymore, you don’t want to be married anymore, but don’t use your longing for “the other guy” as the reason. He’s the fantasy that fills your mind with all those thoughts of joy and passion, not surprisingly, two vital requisites absent from your marriage.
The message is not to confuse fantasy with real love. You’re a Grass is Greener Gal: bored in your relationship looking to a delusion to fill the void. I can just see you spending all your time thinking romantic thoughts about overseas guy but remember, he’s got that drinking problem and a relationship with him could be worse than the one you’re in now.
I’m not saying stay with your husband. In the end you have to do what’s right for you. But come back down to earth a little on the fantasy thing because, trust me – the grass is not always greener!