Dear Amy: My father passed away one month ago from a heart attack. He was only 58.
I am 27 years old and still live at home. I have twin girls who are 11. My parents have helped me raise my daughters in a stable, loving environment.
My father and I were very close. I was so used to seeing him every day, hearing him laugh and talking to him. He was not only my daughter’s “Pappy” but also played the role of their father, because their dad lives far away.
I miss him so much I can’t eat or sleep. My daughters are acting as if nothing has happened.
He was the only person in my life I could always count on. Even if I made a mistake, he never said, “I told you so” – he just helped pick up the pieces.
I feel so lost and alone. I’m having trouble accepting that he’s gone. In fact, it doesn’t even seem real to me yet – will it ever? I’m not the same person I used to be. I feel so depressed that I barely laugh anymore. My dad and I always made each other laugh.
He was an amazing man and father, and I just don’t know what I’m going to do without him. My mother and I are going to make it financially, but I feel as if I’m never going to feel “OK” again.
What should I do? Do you think group grief counseling is a good idea, or should I do sessions on my own?- Amy in Va.
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Dear Amy: This is very sad, and I am so sorry for your unexpected loss.
The first thing you need to know is that while your experience and your feelings are unique to you, the experience of loss is universal. I believe you eventually will feel better and you can find comfort in sharing the grief experiences of others, but first you need to get immediate help for yourself.
Most likely, your daughters are acting as if nothing has happened because somebody in the household simply has to carry on. Your daughters are reacting in the only way they know how. As terrible as you feel, one can only imagine how bewildered and upset they are. They have lost their father figure as well as their “Pappy,” and they have also lost you (temporarily) to grief.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve. There is no magic moment when this process will be finished. But your smile is buried in there somewhere, and you should look forward to a time when you can reclaim it.
Please see your physician to be screened for depression.
You show the classic signs, and your doctor should refer you to a therapist so you can receive counseling immediately. Crying and talking and crying some more in the presence of a compassionate professional will help you begin to heal. You should also seek help for the rest of your family – this is a long and painful journey, but it is one best made together. If you can’t muster the energy to find the resources you need, please ask a friend for help.
A book that you will find helpful through this process is “I Wasn’t Ready to Say Goodbye: Surviving, Coping & Healing After the Sudden Death of a Loved One,” by Brook Noel and Pamela D. Blair (2000, Champion Press).
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Dear Amy: More on hideous craft gifts.
I was married in the early ’70s. After my husband and I had opened a number of unusual wedding gifts, I carefully pulled back the tissue paper to reveal a life-size ceramic horse’s head my mother’s best friend had made.
All I could think of was the horrific horse-head-in-bed scene from the movie “The Godfather”! I mustered a “thank you” and pulled the tissue back over it forever.
– Not in “The Family”
Dear Not: After the gift opening, I can only assume that you two newlyweds went directly “to the mattresses.”
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