I was raised by a single father. And while we did not attend the usual mother-daughter teas, he taught me to respect myself in a way that only the best mother could.
He took my education very personally, writing letters to textbook editors about bias in their curriculum. When I tried to convince him that my bad math grades were a result of my gender, he did not buy it for a second, insisting that I work harder. While other dads were taking their kids out for pizza, he took me to explore the state Capitol. One time, he let me ditch school – only to take me to a three-hour movie about the Civil War.
When I made the cheerleading squad in high school, he attended the parents’ meeting, where he was outnumbered a dozen to one by moms. While they opted for “Cheerleader Mom” sweatshirts, he chose instead a sweater matching our school colors. He never missed a game.
Of course, it was not all roses; we fought like crazy when he insisted on approving my prom dresses and screening my phone calls. When I planned a Friday night party to coincide with a work trip he had scheduled, he showed up before my guests did. He was always one step ahead.
And I will never forget a particular conversation we had when I was 14. Dismayed over the tragic breakup with a middle-school boyfriend and feeling particularly ugly, my only source of encouragement came from his words. He convinced me that I was so bright that one day boys would wait in line to date me simply because of my brains. He could have taken the easy road by reassuring me that I was physically attractive; instead, he did something much braver – he taught me that if I wanted to be beautiful, it was up to me.
At the time, it seemed inconceivable that intellectual strength would one day help me find a spouse. Today, my marriage is living proof. Ironically, I met my husband at the Capitol, and knew I was in love the day we met when he started quoting the Constitution. I look forward to growing old with him, knowing he will never tire of growing intellectually. And while my marriage is a source of amazing growth, I also realize that it does not define who I am. I learned this by watching my dad, who lived this truth every day as a single parent.
I wish all girls were so lucky to have a father like mine to torment during adolescence. Unfortunately, fathers today are seen as disposable. We saw this in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina last September, where more than half the children directly affected were from families with absent fathers. While we launched a federal investigation into how the levees were breached, we did not utter a word about the fathers who had left their children behind to face the storm’s aftermath. We were too uncomfortable to engage in the painful but necessary national dialogue on the cultural norms that have led to the disappearance of countless dads.
While it is undeniable that some fathers proactively leave their families, there are barriers for other fathers who want to take an active role in the lives of their kids. According to Robyn Blumner, a St. Petersburg Times columnist, mothers make up five of every six custodial parents. Blumner attributes this massive inequity to discrimination against men in child custody cases, writing in 2004: “State statutes that determine child custody arrangements and child support may be written in gender-neutral language, but they are not applied that way.” She also writes, “Fathers are becoming an endangered species in part because the family courts don’t fully appreciate their equal claim to their children.”
One of the most tragic repercussions of fatherless families is the message sent to our young girls. They hear that loyalty is not a requirement for relationships and that they are not worthy of being nurtured. This leaves a painful imprint that defines their adult relationships with men, perpetuating a cycle of broken families and broken dreams.
My father, the feminist, was always one step ahead – both of me and of our times. He taught me to cherish being a woman and to always hold my head high. It is time we start treating our single fathers with respect and insisting upon their involvement in the lives of their children. If nothing else, we should do it for all of the little girls out there who depend so vigorously upon their dads.
Jessica Peck Corry (jessica@i2i.org) is a policy analyst with the Independence Institute in Golden.
