Dear Amy: My husband and I have been married for four years, and there is one long- standing disagreement on which we need advice.
We have agreed to split the chores, but my husband often doesn’t finish the job to my standards. He’ll do most of the dishes but leave several on the table or stove. He’ll vacuum but not put the chairs and rugs back in place. He’ll do the laundry but leave it in the basket for a week.
Are my standards unreasonably high? Should I just be grateful that he’s doing anything? But that makes me feel as if our agreement to split the chores is a sham, and ultimately it is I who has to finish everything.
– Frustrated
Dear Frustrated: Does your husband remember to take the car in for servicing every 3,000 miles? Does he vacuum the floor mats when he takes the car to be washed? Does your husband do anything to help maintain the outside of your home, such as yard work or painting? When you need someone to climb up a ladder to replace a light bulb or to go to the basement to check on the broken pump, does he go? I’m asking you these questions so that you can explore what “splitting the chores” really means in your home. Your husband might be doing many things completely and up to a very high standard, but he’s not doing the chores that are most meaningful to you up to your standard.
Rather than having a long- running disagreement over this, the two of you might want to rethink and redivide the chore wheel.
Sometimes the best way to save your sanity is to focus on what your partner does well – and relax your standards just a bit.
…
Dear Amy: I have been in a good relationship for about five years, and we have been living together for some time.
We share a computer, so when his ex-girlfriend sent him an Instant Message, I saw it.
I am ridden with guilt for reading it, but maybe I am glad that I did. They have been discussing her sex dreams, and although she asked about me, he makes no mention of our relationship. I realize that I am privy to information not meant for me, but should I continue to cultivate this relationship, or is this one doomed?
– Conflicted in Mass.
Dear Conflicted: If you are living together and sharing a computer, then you aren’t snooping when an Instant Message pops up on your shared screen.
So unless you are also interested in her sex dreams, then I’d say that it’s time to talk this out with your guy.
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