Dear Amy: My husband and I are high school sweethearts. We have three beautiful children, great careers and financial stability. We are both 40.
During the six years that we dated, I knew that he wasn’t romantic or very affectionate, but I married him anyway.
I’ve complained to him during all these years in vain. I’ve threatened to leave him several times, and every time he tells me not to give up on him, and to give him another chance.
When asked, he says that he doesn’t know why he can’t be romantic and affectionate toward me. He tells me that he loves me and that he shows me his love by helping me around the house and with the children.
I feel depressed and physically in pain, but I can’t bring myself to leave him because I know how painful it is to grow up without a father.
Additionally, I don’t know if I want him to “change” anymore. I’m very fit, and he’s gained more than 50 pounds since we got married, and I don’t find him attractive.
I’ve offered him counseling in the past, and he has said that he does not have a problem. I am sort of a “hoarder” (mainly sentimental things), and I think that I have a hard time letting him go because of this. I’d hate to “throw” our marriage away after 16 years, but at the same time I’d hate to live one more year in emotional neglect.
– Sad
Dear Sad: You think that your husband needs counseling, but whenever you want for things to be different in life, you need to start by examining your own motivations and goals. The reason to look at your own life is because your life is the only life that you can truly change.
You are very articulate in describing how you feel. A good counselor can take all of this information and help you draw valuable conclusions from it.
Even though you are attempting to describe your husband in an unflattering way, I actually see some good things about him in your letter. Acknowledging some of his attributes may help you see that he is expressing his love and affection for you in many ways. He may never be able to give you exactly what you want, and if you need to leave the marriage because of this, then you should do so fully aware of what you are doing, and why. Therapy will help you to sort this out.
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Dear Amy: I have experienced the same problem as other readers who have written about neighbors who allow their pets to use their yards as a litter box.
I had this same problem, and came up with a completely non-confrontational solution that has worked without fail.
Early one evening when the dog walkers were out, I pulled out my garden hose and attached a pesticide dispenser to the end. I put some food coloring in the water inside the sprayer to make it look authentic and proceeded to spray my yard.
As they walked by, I stopped spraying and politely told them that I was experiencing an (invisible) ant problem and that I was spraying poison on the ground and the flowers to control it. I mentioned that the poison is hazardous to animals if they walk on the treated areas even after it dries.
I added that the treatment has to be applied continuously every few weeks to bring the pests under control.
Now just seeing me with the hose sprayer does the trick without another word.
It is simple, safe, effective and completely non-confrontational.
– Mark in Virginia
Dear Mark: Are you kidding? I have another method that is simple, safe, effective and completely non-confrontational. It goes like this: “Hi, my name is Mark, and I’m your neighbor. Would you mind curbing your dog instead of letting him go in my yard? Thanks so much!”
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