Q: I have been with my husband for five years but am still very much in love with my ex. He has remarried and moved on, but we would still be together if he hadn’t cheated on me.
So why do I still love him? Don’t get me wrong: I love my husband too, but I just can’t seem to get my ex out of my head. What should I do?
Catherine: You are mistaking neediness for love. You feel a need for certain things your ex provided, but you don’t have a mature sense of what true love is. How can a self-respecting person truly love someone who is unfaithful?
It’s neediness that will ignore disrespect for a few isolated “feel-good” behaviors. It’s neediness that will allow an emotionally dependent person to cling to the false hope of being loved after the relationship is over. If you continue to hold on to your feelings for your ex while you’re married, you are as unfaithful in your heart as your ex was in his behavior.
You need to come to terms with four pieces of reality: It’s over; your current marriage deserves ALL of you; neediness is not love; and dependency is not romance.
Lily: You may love the history that you and your ex shared. And you may love the memories you created. But you can’t be in love with both men at the same time.
Write down exactly what you feel for whom and why. Sometimes we are able to see more clearly when what we are looking for is staring us directly in the face. Before you communicate your feelings to anyone, make sure you are certain about them.
Of course, you already know what to do, don’t you? You knew before you even wrote us, since advice is what you seek when you already know the right thing to do but just can’t bring yourself to do it for whatever reason.
Danny: Perhaps it is a need for revenge; maybe it’s grieving. Either way, you say he’s moved on. Work on doing the same for yourself.
Write a letter to Mr. X. Tell him how much you trusted him and loved him, and how “forever” seemed a thought filled with happiness. Remind him how this all could still be if he hadn’t broken your sacrament, stomped your heart and shattered your dream of “happily ever after.” Let him know forgiveness will one day come. Assure him that you are slowly but surely moving forward with a fresh start, a new life and a heart filled with new hope.
Then burn the letter.
Only your actions can speak to how much you love your husband. Maybe the past five years haven’t been as empty for him as they have been for you. Pray that he has been waiting for this moment – the moment the love of his life now shares with him in full body, mind and spirit.
Consejos is a bilingual advice column focused on relationships, culture and identity. E-mail your questions or comments to consejos@dallasnews.com. Or send your letters to Consejos, care of Texas Living, The Dallas Morning News, 508 Young St., Dallas, TX 75202.
