Dear Amy: Several months after my boyfriend and I moved in together, he told me that my stomach was getting big and that I looked pregnant.
He said he does not like “bellies” and that if it got bigger, we would not be together.
I was devastated. I am 5 feet 2 and weigh 116 pounds. I have a slender, petite frame. I do have somewhat of a stomach from having had a child 20 years ago.
I am 48, and I do feel that my stomach has gotten bigger but not enough to warrant this reaction! Close friends and family are shocked when I tell them what he said.
They tell me I look wonderful. He says they are being nice. He admits that it is not rational, but he feels strongly about it and is not likely to change. We have talked about it ad nauseam. I have altered my eating habits, changed most of my clothing and try to exercise.
I have a lot of anger and resentment over this and have let him know it.
He says that it is not the focal point of our relationship and that my stomach would have to get a lot bigger for him to leave. This still bothers me.
I am obsessed with my stomach and worry about it getting bigger. He says that he loves me. He does treat me well in every other way, but I feel that the damage has been done.
Any ideas on where to go from here?
– Worried About My Belly
Dear Worried: Here’s where you go from here – straight out of this relationship.
The fact that you listened to this nonsense for one minute indicates that you lack the self-confidence and self-esteem to stand up to this guy.
The fact that you are still with him and are further asking your friends and family to “weigh in” on your belly indicates that you have a serious problem above and beyond living with a jerk.
Body dysmorphic disorder is a condition in which people have a distorted impression of what their body looks like.
I can’t tell whether you have this disorder, but your obsession and your choice to stay with someone who contributes negatively to your obsession means you really need to get help. Please speak with your doctor or a therapist.
I have a feeling that the only weight you really need to lose is this guy.
…
Dear Amy: This question will seem trivial, but it has been bothering me for months! I am in the fifth year of a terrible feud with my father and his wife.
I won’t go into details about the cause, but we do not speak.
I am expecting my first child soon and was wondering if you think I should send them an announcement.
They have ignored similar announcements (did not congratulate me on getting married, did not offer condolences when my stepdaughter died), and I just don’t feel like giving them the courtesy of a baby announcement.
Perhaps I want to save myself the disappointment of another important event in my life being ignored by them.
Should I do “the right thing” and send one or treat them as two people who most likely don’t care and not send one?
– Mom-to-Be
Dear Mom: You should send an announcement, and then keep your expectations completely in line with your parents’ actions.
The reason I think that you should send an announcement is because, in your words, this is “the right thing” to do.
Doing “the right thing” is always the way to go. First of all, you never know what might be the cause of an eventual reconciliation.
But when you do the right thing, you can take comfort in the knowledge that you have behaved well.
Behaving well doesn’t guarantee that others will behave well, but it usually makes you feel better about yourself.
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