Dear Amy: I totally disagree with your answer to “K in Illinois,” who felt that if a husband didn’t start taking household chores seriously, then the marriage should be re-evaluated.
You told her that she didn’t place a very high value on marriage. To the contrary, I felt she placed a high value on marriage, to the degree that “chores,” which are necessary to keep a household running, are a very important part of living together.
If the dopey husband refuses to take them seriously, he is in effect saying that he doesn’t care to put any quality and care into something so basic about the marriage.
I have been married for a long time to a person like that, and no amount of talking or compromising made any difference.
These kinds of men just don’t change. They agree to anything and then do what they want. The wife ends up doing all of the chores and home maintenance.
Here is my solution.
When my husband does the chore in a careless manner, I don’t get upset – I just take from his wallet what I feel the job is worth to do it correctly, then I pay myself.
I don’t need the money, as I have a fine job, but it is a very concrete way for the man to see that my time is important, too, and men understand the concept of money very well.
It doesn’t mean that I don’t consider my marriage important; it means that he has to consider the domestic part of our marriage as important too.
Of course I tell him what I did, and sometimes I even use the cash for something pleasant for both of us.
– P. in Wisconsin
Dear P: For someone with such a dim view of men, it is impressive that you have managed to stay in your marriage. Good for you.
What I can’t figure out is if you both have enough money for you to filch from your husband’s wallet the amount of money that a domestic job is worth, then why don’t you just use that money to hire somebody else to come into your home to do those jobs that you value but neither of you wants to do? Readers who want to resolve this pesky domestic issue can get ideas by reading, “A Housekeeper Is Cheaper Than a Divorce: Why You Can Afford to Hire Help and How to Get It,” by Kathy Fitzgerald Sherman (2000, Life Tools Press).
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Dear Amy: My husband’s brother recently invited my husband and me to join them for dinner at a local restaurant to celebrate his son’s birthday.
At the end of the evening, the check came and my brother-in-law paid the tab for a party of 11 (all family members).
I whispered to my husband, asking why he wasn’t offering to pay the tip.
After further discussion (out of earshot of others in the party), he relented and offered to pay the tip, which his brother accepted.
On the car ride home, my husband remarked to me that when one receives an invitation to dinner, that invitation should come with no expectations of the guest paying for anything.
I disagreed, stating that I thought it was the courteous thing to do. What is appropriate in this instance?
– Lois
Dear Lois: I’m with your husband. It was gracious of your husband to offer to pay the tip.
What isn’t gracious is your whispering to your husband that he needed to do it and implying that it would be rude not to do so.
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