Q: I’m 25 years old and have lived with my fiancé for eight years. We have two beautiful kids together, but two years ago, I can honestly say that I fell out of love with him.
Like any relationship, we had our ups and downs – but mostly downs. We got engaged as soon as we found out I was expecting our first child, but he never wanted to marry me. I spent most of my time taking care of our kids while he was out with friends. Sometimes he wouldn’t make it home or even make a courtesy call. To this day I still don’t know half his friends because he never wanted to take me out.
The day came when I just got tired of it all. I have changed so much, and he has noticed. Now he wants to do everything I wanted him to do in our first years together, and he’s suddenly become the family guy I always wanted him to be.
I love him as a person, but I’m not in love with him anymore. I’ve made it clear that the love is not there. I don’t want to hurt my kids by breaking up our family, but I don’t want to be in a relationship where I no longer love my partner. What should I do?
Danny: Relationships are work. They require communication, negotiation and compromise.
If he is willing to take his turn at being a dad, becoming a husband and raising kids, then you two might still have a chance. Is what you want out of life – for yourself and for your kids – attainable through this relationship?
Lily: Sounds like you already know what to do. As for not wanting to hurt the kiddos, list the pros and cons of staying in this relationship with regard to them.
You are angry and fed up. But remember that your behavior has allowed him to treat you like this, so you’re the one who has created this monster.
All of a sudden, YOU have had enough and you expect him to change. But why should he when you have conditioned him to believe that making you and your children a priority is not that important?
Your newfound attitude threatens the status quo, so he modifies his behavior – but for how long? Give it time. If the same issues keep surfacing, it will definitely be time for you to put your kids first, not this thing you call love.
Catherine: Consider professional counseling to work through previous hurts and mistrust. Counseling would also be a great place to communicate your personal desires and needs for this new relationship.
You are in a position to save your family and have the devoted father and partner you have always wanted. Romantic emotions are fleeting. They come and they go … and they will come again.
Consejos is a bilingual advice column focused on relationships, culture and identity. E-mail your questions or comments to consejos@dallasnews.com. Or send your letters to Consejos, care of Texas Living, The Dallas Morning News, 508 Young St., Dallas, TX 75202.
