A scary message to all readers!!
(Cue organ music.) Hello kiddies. This is your creepy Old Uncle Daddy Mo coming to you from The Computer of Terror. (Cue cackling laugh, lightning and chains.) I’m serving up an eerie, bubbling, Halloween edition of my Horoscope. (Horrorscope and Horriblescope, although clever, have already been used.) If the idea of ghoul meets boy appeals to you, then read on brave hearted fiends. (Cue scream and sinister laughter.) As if the world of relationships isn’t scary enough, I’m upping the fear level with subliminal “words of ickiness” that will torment your sanity as you read. For the best results, read this article with the scary voice of your choice, and be sure to keep the lights on, unless – well, you know. (Cue heavy breathing.) You’ll notice that I’ve changed the names of the signs in fiendishly clever, and some moderately desperate, ways in order to chill you even more. And now, read on if you dare! Heh, heh, heh!
Scaries, the rather terrifying 3-D ram of doom, March 21 to April 19
You’ll be the main dish for all love zombies. They’ll want to devour more than your brains, and their pursuit of your flesh could leave you panting and breathless. You don’t have to run, though. The energy of the week is a physical one and it may not be so bad being the blue plate special. Be strong when letting love prospects know what you want and don’t shy away from being the only life of the party.
Speak up when you get the chance. What, cat got your tongue? Unless the cat really does have your tongue, use it to attract the one you desire. Your words can get you all the loving you need.
The whole week has romantic ectoplasm all over it. At least I hope that’s what that stuff is.
Tore us (a new one), the menacingly evil, power tripping supervisor, April 20 to May 20
Put on the costume of your favorite lover because this is the week to subdue the swooning affections of those you desire. Whether you employ the suave demeanor of Don Juan or the sulky seduction of Mata Hari, you’ll make all those you focus on weak in the knees. Use your confidence and talents, and you’ll be triumphant in romance.
At some point you’ll need to fling off your mask. The key is to leave some of the fantasy in your new reality. By being a little more romantic, you’ll find a whole new world opens up to you. Be certain to get a glimpse under the disguise of those you decide to waltz with; they may not be at all what you expect.
Except for Sunday, the week is perfect for the dance of romance.
Jam in eye, the horror of breakfast gone badly, May 21 to June 20
If there was ever a week to pursue a work relationship, this is it. The energies are an oasis in the desert of love and you should be able to find a love creature or two to help resurrect your love life using ancient, magical love spells. You’ve probably felt the electricity building around you lately, culminating with a big bolt zapping you this week. (A little Beano may help that condition.)
Don’t worry if you aren’t firmly wrapped in the linens of the gainfully employed. You should find that the whole realm of romance is as big as a sandstorm, and hopefully more fun. You may meet someone who piques your interest as the week progresses but they may not fulfill all of your requirements. Don’t say tut-tut before giving them a chance. You may end up wanting to introduce them to your mummy.
Wednesday, Thursday and Saturday will be the best days for wrapping up love.
Canned Sir, the delightful side dish of aristocratic cannibals everywhere, June 21 to July 22
The more bare boned you can make a relationship, the better off you’ll be. You could find yourself in a veritable bone yard of love. This means being honest and transparent to those around you. Even if you’re trying to hide, you won’t be able to conceal the skeletal truth of who you are and what you want. Be your boney self, from skull to phalanges.
Don’t strive for a long term anything at this time. You’ll benefit the most by being less concerned with putting meat on the bones of love than you will by finding someone who has the truth you seek. A party may provide the perfect ball for your socket joint, so don’t say no to an invitation.
Wednesday through Saturday will be good days to be bad to the bone.
Leo the lyin’ – blood-sucking, cigar chewing, used car salesman who, in my youth, sold me a “pristine,” 1962 Ford Falcon, July 23 to August 22
If you feel a poke, you’d better make sure what’s on the other end of it. A devil may care attitude might have you pulling imp horns out of your heart. I’m not saying that a prospective lover has 666 on their scalp, but I will say they may have a lot of beast in them. As long as you can keep their pitchfork where you can see it, you should do fine.
Don’t be too trusting and be on the alert for more than one attractive, but dangerous, affair of the heart. This is especially true for those of you who feel you’re immune from making errors in judgment when it comes to romance. Having cautious fun is a possibility as long as you don’t sign on the dotted line. If you do play with Old Hob, do so safely.
Monday, Wednesday and Thursday could bring some hot fun.
Virtigo, the virgin who’s also terrified of heights, August 23 to September 22
It’s alive! It’s aliiiiiiiiive!! Your love life, that is. Although you may feel as though you’ve been wandering through a graveyard of romance lately, don’t give up. You’re bound to dig up the right parts for a romantic creature worth reanimating. Hook up those electrodes, flip the switch, (now I’m excited) and enjoy what can be a fun week.
Of course, you’ll have to make sure that your creation has the correct brain doing its thinking. If you decide to jolt love, be willing to deal with the circumstances. You’d hate to have a tormented monster, seemingly without a method of escape, break free of its bonds and wreak all sorts of havoc. I’ll let you try to make sense of the metaphor.
The whole week will make the angry villagers of love want to storm your castle.
Liunderwirebra, a horrifying, medieval torture device, reportedly still in use today, September 23 to October 22
You know that guy in the hockey mask? Well, for this week, think of love as that fellow. There are times when it isn’t safe to wander around the landscape of romance at night, and this is one of those times. We all know what happens to those poor, horny teenagers who dare to fool around in these films, right?
You can play lightly and flirt a bit but don’t get caught in the old house of passion with the electricity out. If you do decide to indulge in affairs of the heart, do so in social settings and with consciousness. No, I’m not predicting real doom, just the possibility of heartache.
As long as you don’t go too far, any day’s as good as another for light connecting.
Scorpiooooooooh, the chronic complainer, October 23 to November 21
Even a Scorpio who is pure at heart, and says their prayers at night, can become a wolf when the wolf bane blooms and the moon is full and bright. Who am I kidding? Any Scorpio knows that they don’t need wolf bane or a moon to turn them into a beast of love, so let the wolf out of the bag and be your powerful, sexual self.
You’ll find more than one willing victim as you skulk over the foggy moors in search of fresh loving. Try to keep the monster in you a little understated but don’t try to keep it all in check. The inherent tension you create will be an aphrodisiac you can’t bottle. You can have a lot of fun this week as long as you relax and howl when you feel like it
Except for Monday, the whole week’s good for being scratched behind the ears.
Sagitterrorus, the really grumpy centaur, November 22 to December 21
As any good centaur knows, sometimes it’s better to stay close to home, especially since it’s almost impossible to get the half that’s horse onto an RTD Bus or in a cab. Hunt your local sylvan glades in order to find the bow to your arrow. Being sure of your surroundings will help you to find someone with whom you can hunt all night long.
Being available is just as important as staying close to home. Accept nearby invitations to party and don’t be afraid to show off your assets in the process. Flip that great tail around and you’ll attract more than one interested rider. Have fun and play safely if you do play.
Tuesday through Sunday will be good times to gallop into romance.
Capricandycorn, the goat that gives us a popular Halloween confection, December 22 to January 19
Put on your favorite superhero tights and save the day. You’ll be the one others look to for pulse-pounding, romantic heroics. If you can play the part, you may end up bending more than steel in your bare hands. Don’t forget to allow your mild-mannered, alter ego to be a part of the week as well. If you’re going to play the part, do it right.
Saving the day may come in the form of someone who needs you to give them a strong shoulder to cry on. Don’t worry, tears won’t ruin your costume and you knew the job was dangerous when you took it. It’s also important to remember that any good superhero doesn’t linger once the job’s done. You may infer whatever you’d like from this.
The whole week, but especially the weekend, will be best for being faster than a speeding bullet.
Hackwarius, the terror inflicting, sick person who invariably sits next to you in the cinema, January 20 to February 18
Memorize the following lines. Look deeply into my eyes. Your eyelids are getting heavy, heavy – you’re falling in love with (insert your name here).
Yes indeed, dear friends, you’ll have the ability to mesmerize those you want to somnambulate with. With a snap of your fingers, you’ll have your hapless subjects as stiff as a board, or as weak as a political ad.
Use this ability to convince others of your worldview carefully though, or you’ll end up paying the consequences once they awaken to the fact that they’re no longer a chicken. Seriously, look into the eyes of your intended lover, and desire them to be drawn into your web of amour. I think you’ll be surprised with the results and this may even launch a new career for you on the comedy club circuit.
Monday through Friday will be best for snapping your fingers at the count of three.
Pie Seas, not too scary but I’m hungry and could go for a slice of strawberry rhubarb right about now, February 19 to March 20
Brush off that cape; take a breath mint or two and batwing your way to love and romance. Although you may find shyness getting in the way of your search for new blood, don’t be afraid to stake your claim for love. Just keep that stake away from your heart. Make a grand entrance in any party you attend and you’ll draw the children of the night to you.
Try to keep all conversations tongue in cheek, unless you feel compelled to return said tongue to its owner. You’ll fare the best from eventide to dawn, so don’t opt for any sort of daytime or afternoon tryst. This is the perfect time to invite fellow night creatures over for a quick bite or two.
All week’s vunderful for being batty about love.
