Dear Amy: Two years ago my lifelong friend, “Sandy,” and I surprised my husband with a threesome for his 60th birthday. This is every man’s fantasy, so I decided to treat him.
For the last 10 years, Sandy has lived on the East Coast, after her husband died. We have always been close – she was the maid of honor at our wedding – and both families vacationed together with our kids.
When I suggested the threesome, Sandy laughed but said she’d go along.
I was surprised and thrilled when we did it, especially because she and my husband spent the whole time concentrating on me. We laughed the next day, saying that we are a bunch of old folks doing something we heard about when we were young but too “uptight” to try. We have not done it again, and have not talked about it, other than just mentioning it in passing. However, I fantasize about her every time I have sex with my husband.
My 60th birthday is soon, and I want to do it again. When I mentioned this to Sandy, she said she looked forward to it.
I have not told my husband out of fear that he would think that I’m gay. I have never been attracted to anyone during my marriage – man or woman – and I have been a loyal wife.
I’m counting the days until my birthday, and I feel like a teenager in love for the first time. Does this mean I’m gay?
– Rachel
Dear Rachel: Well, so much for pleasing your husband.
Happy birthday, honey! This is reason No. 476 why bringing another person into your marriage is a bad idea.
(For reasons one through 475, read previous columns.) I don’t know if you are gay. You could be. But I’m wondering what is so frightening about this prospect that you can’t discuss it with your husband – this is, after all, the guy whom you’ve been married to for 30 years. The two of you have an intimate relationship. (Having a threesome isn’t true intimacy, by the way. Having a thoughtful conversation about your sexual feelings and attractions is.) There are many instances of women (and men) discovering their same-sex attraction later in life. For a lesbian-centered view of this realization and transition, read “Lesbian Epiphanies: Women Coming Out in Later Life,” by Karol L. Jensen (1999, Harrington Park Press).
You are playing with fire when you introduce a sexual partner to your relationship. And even though this brings a flame that is thrilling and makes you feel like a schoolgirl, I hope that you choose to be careful, prudent and thoughtful during what could turn out to be a very confusing time for all.
…
Dear Amy: In your reply to “AK,” you posited your theory about middle age (“as in adolescence, one day you look around and notice that everyone else on the planet is more attractive than you are”).
My late father-in-law was fond of the following: “As a teenager, you’re terrified of what others think about you; as a young adult, you defiantly disregard what others think about you; and finally in middle age, you realize they haven’t been thinking about you at all!” – Middle-age Man
Dear Middle-age: I couldn’t have said it better.
Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
