Hey, Burt Reynolds. Please convene an emergency session of your Men of the Square Table. Pro football has degenerated into a pack of spoiled brats behaving badly.
Their crimes? Where do we begin? With the loogies? The hair-pulling? The stomping on an unprotected melon?
On any given Sunday, you go to an NFL stadium and a catfight breaks out.
The most manly of sports is in dire need of some man laws.
And know what’s really whack? The worst offender is not Terrell Owens.
It’s Oakland defensive lineman Tyler “Below the Belt” Brayton, No. 91 in your program, but the No. 1 reason why the Raiders are now synonymous with losers.
How low can a man go?
If you’re Brayton, it’s about 12 inches below the belly button.
“My actions,” Brayton said Wednesday apologizing to the NFL world, “are inexcusable.”
To say nothing of rude, crude and socially unacceptable.
During a 16-0 loss against Seattle, Brayton tried to implant his knee in the groin of tight end Jerramy Stevens, a punk lots of guys have wanted to plunk.
The sight made a national TV audience cringe. Men from coast-to-coast involuntarily crossed their legs on the sofa.
“It could’ve been an eye-for-an-eye deal,” said Broncos offensive tackle George Foster, who will be stuck down in the same gutter with Brayton on Sunday, when Denver plays Oakland.
It’s true. Stevens did instigate the madness by kicking at Brayton, after the play was dead. Not cool. Trouble was, Brayton then took the Code of Hammurabi to its anatomical extreme.
It does not break the code to seek retribution against a dirty foe by smacking him in the face, according to Broncos defensive end Kenard Lang.
“But I ain’t trying to go below the belt. Because I’m not into family jewels. That’s not me,” Lang said. “All you have is your manhood, your pride and the color of your skin. If somebody takes your manhood … you’ve got to do what you got to do.”
Brayton was not smart enough to fire his low blow at the bottom of the pile. He took his best shot in the middle of the field. You would think a man with a University of Colorado education might be wiser.
Did Brayton think nobody would see? “There are cameras everywhere in a stadium,” Broncos veteran Gerard Warren said. “Big Brother is always watching.”
We cringe all the time watching “Monday Night Football.” Usually, it’s immediately after analyst Joe Theismann opens his pie hole.
But what Brayton did would shame Mike Tyson, infamous ear-nibbler.
Expressing remorse, Brayton explained he snapped out of frustration for a bad season, during which Oakland has six losses and he had not gotten a sack.
Well, Brayton can no longer make that complaint.
He has further sacked and plundered the reputation of the NFL, now populated by so many creeps throwing tantrums, the NBA is beginning to look like David Stern’s all-boys choir.
Raiders coach Art Shell, who should know better, defended Brayton by citing the mom-he- hit-me-first defense employed since the first time Cain got grounded for two weeks by Eve.
“It’s out of character for Tyler to do something like that,” Shell insisted.
Oh, really? Not to suggest Brayton has any anger management issues, but in 2000 this same poor, misunderstood oaf ripped the helmet off a CU teammate at practice and bashed him in the head with it.
“Back when I played, there was a certain respect for the players, among themselves,” said Shell, a proud member of the Hall of Fame who is worried that honor has fallen out of favor as a league value. “I think guys are not respectful of the game and not respectful of each other.”
The league fined Brayton $25,000, which would buy him a whole lot of almonds and cashews.
Nevertheless, money seems woefully insufficient as a punishment for any NFL coward who degrades his sport and a fellow competitor by trying to stick a knee in the one body part where no self-respecting combatant ever goes.
The perp of a low blow deserves everybody in the stadium to know.
When Brayton takes the field against the Broncos, his uniform should include a scarlet jock strap.
Worn on the outside of his pants.
What do you say, Mr. Reynolds and Men of the Square Table?
Man law?
Staff writer Mark Kiszla can be reached at 303-954-1053 or mkiszla@denverpost.com.
