Like many people at middle age, Jerry Bigner had a life crisis at 40. But unlike most, Bigner, who was married with children, was secretly gay.
For 18 years, he lived a heterosexual life in Fort Collins with his wife, but on weekends he’d escape to Denver where he would have trysts with men on the down-low.
“The last thing I would do before I’d go to sleep was think about what I did all day that might have given me away,” said Bigner, who is now 62. “I was constantly lying. Constantly in denial. It was a double life.”
Sound like someone familiar?
In some ways Bigner’s story parallels that of Ted Haggard, the former head of the 30 million-member National Association of Evangelicals who was renounced by his church after admitting “sexual immorality.” The admission came after Mike Jones, a gay prostitute, alleged that Haggard paid him for meth-fueled sex over a three-year period.
Evangelical Christian fundamentalists believe that people choose to be gay and that therapy can undo homosexuality. Haggard, who preached that homosexuality is a sin, is now undergoing a church-based “restoration process.”
Bigner’s dad forced him into a similar therapy when he was 15, back in 1959 when homosexuality was listed as a mental illness by the American Medical Association.
“My dad would sit in on some of the sessions. The psychiatrist would talk about the joys of heterosexuality, about how a life of homosexuality would mean being alone for the rest of my life,” Bigner told me. “I gave in. It was charade.”
During Bigner’s midlife crisis, his father died. Bigner finally realized he had to undo his life of lies.
He divorced his wife – who is still his best friend – and they shared joint custody of their three then school-age children.
It was 1984. AIDS was ravaging the gay community. The evangelical movement was on the rise. It was a time of uncertainty. Gay people had few rights; they were not protected from workplace discrimination.
Bigner craved stability, but it took four years to meet the man of his dreams. They met in 1989 through a personal ad in Out Front Colorado, the same newspaper Jones used to advertise his services. Bigner and his partner have been together ever since; 17 years and counting.
He said his partner “loves me in a way I’ve never been loved in my life.” Bigner asked that I not publish his partner’s name because his partner works for a “homophobic company.”
And from the looks of last week’s election, Bigner’s life journey will continue to be tough because he lives in a homophobic state.
Yes, the vote on Referendum I, which would have allowed gay couples to enter into domestic partnerships, was close. But it didn’t pass. Another ballot initiative that passed means Colorado will have an amendment to the state constitution banning same-gender marriage.
Bigner, a retired therapist and professor of Colorado State University who now edits the Journal of GLBT Family Studies, a quarterly for academics, is disappointed with the outcome of the election but he knows society is becoming more enlightened.
“I think we have to look to the future for sure and try not to think this is the end of the road, because I do believe we are evolving and moving positively towards inclusion and accepting diversity as it really is, but we have a long way to go to help people understand we are human beings like anyone else,” Bigner said.
“Even when I was in the closet I didn’t understand the bigotry. I don’t understand it even now. If you are going to criticize this community for being unstable then why on Earth would you not do something to fix it instead of enabling it to continue the way it is?”
It’s a good question for ex-pastor Ted Haggard.
Read about the meth abuse in the gay community on Cindy’s blog at denverpostbloghouse.com/rodriguez.
Cindy Rodríguez’s column appears Tuesdays and Sundays. Leave a voice message at 303-954-1211 or e-mail her at crodriguez@denverpost.com.
