Dear Amy: My daughter “Sally” was recently a guest at a birthday party for her school friend. The group of eight third-grade girls was treated to lunch and a movie.
When I picked her up at the designated time from the birthday girl’s home, it was clear to me, and to three other parents on the doorstep, that the party was ending then for our children but that it was continuing as a sleepover for the remaining four girls.
Sally said the girls were talking during lunch about who was going to stay the night. There didn’t seem to be any reason for the cut other than those the birthday girl liked best. Sally was very hurt by this. She was having such a good time and couldn’t understand why she had to leave while some of the other girls were able to stay.
Am I wrong in thinking that the parents hosting this party handled this poorly?
Your thoughts, please?
– Frustrated Mom
Dear Mom: I agree with you. If parents just took a moment to imagine (or remember) what it was like to be a child who is excluded from something, they wouldn’t create these situations. Kids exclude one another enough; parents shouldn’t plan events that perpetuate this.
I hope that you took this opportunity to talk to “Sally” about exclusion. Explain to her that this was a mistake on the part of the parents, reflect with her how it can hurt a person’s feelings to feel left out and then help her move on.
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Dear Amy: I’m responding to a letter from “Frustrated in the Northeast.” Her in-laws were hostile, toxic and disrespectful, and you advised her to minimize or eliminate contact with them until they could comport themselves civilly.
I had parents who were toxic until I got a gut-full and broke off relations with them. We went without speaking for six years before they expressed a desire to resume contact. After that, they treated me with respect, and we got along fine.
– Respected and Respectful
Dear Respectful: I have received many letters on both sides of this issue. Every family is different; sometimes pushing for changes and reconciliation works, but sometimes walking away from a relationship is the best answer.
You are right – we teach each other how to treat each other. I am so happy to see that in your family this story has a happy ending.
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Dear Amy: I usually enjoy reading the questions in your column – as well as your answers. Recently, however, I came away from reading your column with a deep sadness for the moral depravity our country has descended to. A woman wrote in to ask about her desire for a repeat of a “threesome” that she had experienced.
My first thought was that this has no place in the newspaper! These types of problems should be discussed with a counselor or in a specific type of publication, not in a newspaper that my 12-year-old son picks up and reads.
Please think twice before you run a letter like this again.
– Jann
Dear Jann: First of all, thank you for exposing your 12-year-
old to reading the newspaper! Reading newspapers is a great way to develop literacy and a knowledge of and involvement with current events.
A number of readers wrote in to take issue with my choice to run and answer this particular letter. I apologize to any readers who were offended.
Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
