Dear Amy: Lately my 14-year-old son’s fascination with pornography has become a high source of tension in our household.
While cleaning my son’s bedroom last week, I came across at least 10 copies of hard-core pornographic magazines that featured both men and women of all ages and ethnicity.
He and his friends are constantly at our house in front of our family computer (I suspect downloading porn). My husband and I have always been extremely lenient with our son’s Internet and television use, and we believe that blocking any sites and stations would give our son the impression that we do not trust him.
My husband and I are reluctant to discuss this issue with our son, because we do not wish to destroy our relationship with him. Is there a positive way that we can confront our son about this issue? I know this behavior is normal among teenagers, but when does it become an unhealthy obsession?
– Porn Patrol
Dear Porn Patrol: What can you possibly be thinking? It is not “normal” among 14-year-olds to be obsessed with pornography. I’m not saying that if 14-year-old boys were given unfettered access to porn they’d turn it down, mind you, but everything that children learn about the world – about relationships with women and men, about control, respect and surrender – starts in their homes. And in your home, you are allowing strangers whose business it is to exploit men and women to teach your son (and other boys) about sex, sexuality and relationships.
And so I repeat – what can you possibly be thinking? I know that you want to deal with this in a “positive” manner.
But I worry that this is less about you wanting to handle this well and more about you wanting to somehow remain your son’s best bud. Too bad. Your son likely wonders when his real parents are going to come in and replace the pod people who are raising him. He needs direction.
The access to pornography in your home needs to end. This intervention should be done with the mentoring and mediating assistance of a family counselor. You need someone who will work with you to become the parents that your son deserves to have. He also could benefit from talking to a savvy and understanding professional.
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